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Setting the Atmosphere for Good Sex

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

Atmosphere

Thanks for all the feedback and comments from the last several posts on Good Sex. Your feedback has been insightful and added value to the conversation.

Good Sex is maximized when I give myself fully to my spouse. Good Sex is not a solo performance. It is an act of communion, cooperation, sacrifice and selflessness. These acts require constant adjustments.

Two different people + personality differences + different needs = adjustments. 

Men and women are different and differences require adjustments. When it comes to Good Sex, men and women are not equal. Women are vastly superior to men at being women, and men are vastly superior to women at being men. Therefore, we must relinquish our rights to understand and meet the needs of our spouse.

When you got married, you gave your spouse the rights to your body (1 Corinthians 7:1-7). Marriage is about you giving yourself fully to your spouse and your spouse giving himself/herself fully to you. This passage is clear that we are to use our bodies to meet the sexual needs of our spouses. This is quite different from what our culture teaches: What can I get and how soon can I get it? When I give myself fully to my spouse sexually, I ask: "What can I give and how can I meet my spouses sexual needs. The marriage covenant says: "I will meet my partner's needs before I meet my own needs, and I will not deprive my spouse of his/her sexual needs." If a person uses sex to punish his/her spouse, he/she is not living up to the biblical principle of what it means to give himself/herself to his/her spouse, and he/she opens the door for Satan to destroy the relationship through powerful temptations. It is important to fulfill your spouse's sexual needs so that she/he will not look outside the marriage to have his/her sexual needs fulfilled by someone else.  

Good Sex is not about doing what comes naturally to you. We want to do what feels good to us, and even what we think our spouse wants or needs. I am wrong 90% of the time. My wife and I are different. Men, we must be willing to be coached. We must be willing to learn, and even let our spouses teach us what she needs. It is a skill and an art (1 Peter 3:7). As much as I thought I knew, I had to learn what my wife needed. Just a note – the same spot does not always work. When you think you have one spot figured out, it will change. Can I get a witness? It is not automatic. The same is true for women. Find out what is best for both of you. Nothing dowses the passion and ruins the atmosphere of Good Sex more than attempting to make your spouse do something that he or she is not comfortable with and that you both have not agreed upon.  

Therefore, we must take our time and explore and set the atmosphere for our sexual relationship.
Men, we are famous for underestimating the importance of atmosphere. We can be ready to go any time and anywhere. However, for women, atmosphere means everything. Women make a checklist of environmental concerns: 

The blinds/curtains are closed tight enough. 
The door is not closed all the way. 
The light is too bright. 
It's too hot. 
It's too cold. 
Warm your hands up. You better not put your cold hands on me. 
Your breath is kicking. Can you go brush and gargle?
I hear the kids.      

Solomon, probably one of the best lovers in the world give us some great suggestions on how to set the mood for Good Sex: 

Fragrances and perfumes - Please, fellas, no Brute (Song of Solomon 1:12)
Genuine compliments (Song of Solomon 1:15-16)
Privacy/aloneness (Song of Solomon 2:5)
Affectionate touch (cuddling, holding hands – touches that tell her that you love her and desire her – Song of Solomon 2:6))
Attractive attire – get rid of the flannel granny pajamas and purchase something sexy – Song of Solomon 4:9, 11)
Intimate talk (Song of Solomon 4:16) 
Unhurried times (Song of Solomon 5:1b)
Special places (Song of Solomon 7:12) 

Here are some other things that help set the atmosphere so that we can maximize Good Sex:

Pray together/serve together
Help your spouse grow spiritually
Spend more time together 
Resolve conflict quickly and completely. Do not let a root of bitterness and resentment grow in your relationship. Nothing ruins the moment like unresolved conflict. 

Giving ourselves wholly means total commitment, sexually, to our spouses.  

I hope these posts have been insightful to you. I don't pretend to be a Good Sex expert, but I have learned a lot in fourteen years and am still learning. What can you add to the conversation? 

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I Don’t Feel Like It

Friday, March 27th, 2009

Have you ever flirted with your spouse in the morning before work – with a nibble on the ear, pat on the butt, or a long passionate kiss or hug? And, you achieved the oneness spiritually and emotionally that we talked about in the earlier posts, and you thought to yourself, “Yeah, baby! It’s on like popcorn, tonight.” You go through the day, thinking about your time together. But, after a long day of meetings, cooking, picking up kids, refereeing fights between kids or managers, cleaning poop and throw up (if you have little ones), computer crashing, washing clothes, maneuvering through bumper to bumper traffic, and putting out other fires or killing cockroaches (tony morgan’s insightful book on leadership), the morning foreplay is a distant memory. You don’t want to be touched and all you want is to relax and go to bed. You are so tired and all you can muster up is: “Can I take care you tomorrow, Sweetheart?” or “Let me get just 30 minutes of sleep and I’ll be ready for you.” or “Baby, I am so tired, that I just don’t feel like it tonight.” Can I get a witness in the house? 

Every couple goes through this at some point in their marriage. It’s called the Desire Dilemma. If this problem is not resolved, Good Sex will turn into duty sex – just the physical mechanics or let’s just get it over with – or sympathy sex – “I’ll give it to you so you can stop pouting.” If you don’t resolve the desire dilemma, you won’t experience all that God intended for sex to be. Here are some helpful principles that we have learned over the years regarding the desire dilemma.  
Changes in sexual desire will occur.  So, accept it. This is normal. This happens for a number of reasons. When marital expectations are disappointed, sexual desire sometimes wanes. A woman’s sexual desire tends to wane right after she has had children because she is freakin’ tired.  Not feeling loved or respected affects sexual desire. How we feel about our bodies and our weight impacts sexual desire. A woman’s menstrual cycle is another cause that may zap sexual energy. Sexual immorality (pornography, flirtation, affairs, etc.) definitely dowses sexual desire. It is just good to know that changes in sexual desires will occur. The sooner we accept this inevitability, the more energy we can put into resolving the issue.  

Waning or low sexual desire and lack of or energy seem to go hand in hand. Here are some things we have tried to put in place to resolve the low sexual energy levels in our relationship: 

1. Simpify our lives. We are busy people. I am a pastor and my wife is an educator. We have three growing and active children. We found ourselves running from here to there and back to here. No wonder were tired and had no energy to be intimate with one another, not to mention having Good Sex. So, we started saying no to all the things that prevented us from being intimate with one another. We continue to cut things out of our lives, not just for Good Sex, but in order to be relationally healthy. We have found when we are relationally healthy, our sexual desire increases greatly. 

2. Sleep more. Getting to bed earlier has helped to resolve our desire dilemma. We try not to watch television Monday through Thursday because we recognize it is one of the thieves of intimacy and sexual energy (Now, I must admit that I get my Monday fix of 24). We try to get to bed between 9:30 and 10:00. This way, we still have energy if we choose to make love at night, or in the morning (Probably TMI, but Honey Brown gave me permission to share it). Either way, we resolve the low energy problem by getting proper rest. 

3. Share the household chores - I’m bringing sexy back by washing, drying and folding clothes and picking up kids from school. If the woman is doing all the chores (sad to say, this is normally the way it shakes out. This is not right), we as men cannot expect her to have enough energy to rock our proverbial worlds in the evening. Shame on us for expecting it. This highlights what a marriage should be – a covenant partnership.
  
4. Exercise more – Eating healthy, running, and lifting weight increase oxygen and sexual desire. 
 
5. Laugh more - We laugh a lot in our house. From how we were raised and where we were raised, to the crazy mistakes we’ve made with money, parenting, etc. We are learning not to take ourselves so seriously. When a couple enjoys one another’s company, sexual desire goes through the roof.  

6. Guard your marriage from sexual immorality of any kind.  

I know this is not an exhaustive list of resolving the desire dilemma, and I don’t pretend to have all the answers here. What are some other ways couples can resolve the desire dilemma? Join the conversation.       

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More Good Sex

Thursday, March 26th, 2009

As I mentioned on yesterday, Good Sex begins with God’s view of sex. The physical act of sex should proclaim spiritual and emotional oneness, and spiritual and emotional oneness heightens physical pleasure and fulfillment in sex.

Practically, Good Sex, continues with oneness in communication. You and your spouse should spend time talking about your feelings and needs. I know this is scary and uncomfortable for some because you were probably raised to not talk about sex. I was raised in a home where my parents simply did not talk about sex. If they did talk about sex, it was, “boy, you better keep it in your pants” and girl, you better keep your dress down.” That was the extent. Anybody feeling me on that? And the inability to talk about sex in marriage – likes, dislikes, needs, desires, frustrations – has stifled and stagnated Good Sex.
Good Sex must have great communication.

Many couples never really make the communication connection, especially about sex. I mean, these couples learn how to master the mechanics of sex, but really never spent time developing the necessary skills for creating intimacy through good communication. They have never learned how to relate at a deeper/oneness level. Therefore, a lot is missing from their sex life. This principle highlights the real problem of premarital sex – couples become bed mates before they become soul mates. Sex gives the appearance that a couple is close. Moreover, sex speeds up everything, so that a couple doesn’t have time to listen to and communicate with each other. And, the couple ends up playing catch up for the rest of the relationship. Not only that, there seems to be a preoccupation wit manipulation, one or both trying to figure out ways – touching the right spots, saying the right words, playing the right music – to get the person in bed. I digress.
Good Sex must have great communication.

1. Communicate your feelings and needs openly and honestly. There is no real intimacy without transparent and honest communication.
2. Tell the truth and be specific. Don’t beat around the bush by speaking in code, making obscure statements, and speaking in sexual parables that only Jesus can figure out. It’s cruel to keep your spouse guessing about what you mean and what you want. Now, this may feel a little uncomfortable at first, but keep practicing and talking; you will become more skillful in expressing, truthfully, your likes, dislikes, needs, frustrations and joys.
3. Schedule and plan a face to face talk about your sexual relationship. Prepare and pray before the face to face. (The average couple spends on an average 4 minutes a day face to face. It is impossible to develop relational depth and intimacy in four minutes. Bring two lists: 1) What I love about our sexual relationship right now and 2) What I would like to see different in our sexual relationship. My wife and I have practiced this and continue to practice this.
4. Make “I” statements – A wife may say, “Baby, I need you to spend more time talking to me, holding me, taking your time to get me in the mood.” A husband may say, “Sweetheart, I would like for us to have sex more frequently during the week.” Another “I” statement may go like this: ” I would like for us to talk about how we can solve the desire dilemma in our sex life.” These are just a few examples. This was an uncomfortable process for us in the early years of our marriage. But, through a lot of practice, we have become pretty, pretty good at making  and fulfilling “I” statements. Good Sex really does begin with great communication.
5. Remember that you love each other. The conversation is about cooperating with each other and helping each other.
6. Come ready to solve the problem, not complain and argue about the problem. Spend time encouraging one another, not criticizing one another. We change faster through encouragement than we do through criticism.
Good Sex must have great communication
I know this is a sensitive subject, but it is a subject that the church cannot afford not to talk about. I don’t pretend to know all there is to know about sex, but the aforementioned list has been some of our learnings after 14 years of marriage. We continue to learn what it means to develop intimacy in our relationship.
This conversation is incomplete without your voice. What would you add to this list?
BTW, my Honey Brown, Tonia, is aware and gave me permission to talk about and publish the personal information that I have shared and will be sharing in these posts.
Stay tuned for more: Sex is not the same as intimacy. How do we build intimacy in order to maximize our sexual relationship?

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Good Sex

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

Sex

The other day I googled the word "sex" and found that there were 794,000,000 hits. Can you imagine that? I bet you can. Needless to say, sex is a very popular and powerful topic. Not only is sex a popular and powerful topic, but it can be the source of problems in marriage as well. Many couples have indicated their love life is in trouble. Some couples say their sexual intimacy is non-existent in their marriage, not even a hug. It is a sad reality, but it is not a hopeless reality. I will draw principles from Genesis 1:28; 2:18; 2:23-25 and 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 to give us perspective on Good Sex. These next few posts will be dedicated to married couples (Singles will definitely be able to learn from these posts as well), helping us think through how to have Good Sex. Because the God we serve invented sex, those of us who follow him should be having the best sex, right? Well, I think so. Well, why did God create sex anyway? 

God created sex for us to proclaim a spiritual truth. Sex is not just about skin to skin, hittin' it, or getting your swerve on. It is a physical expression of a spiritual truth. This truth is spiritual and emotional oneness. Sex is as much a spiritual and emotional mystery as it is a physical act. 

Sex is a very spiritual and emotional act. When God created man and woman, he created them to be spiritual and emotional beings. They were designed to connect with God. They were designed to connect with one another. They were created to be in tune with one another's needs for love, intimacy, closeness and companionship. The spiritual and emotional closeness and oneness are naturally expressed through the physical act of sex. 

When a couple is sexually intimate with one another, God designed it so that they would be actually proclaiming "we are one" on all levels – one spiritually and one emotionally. One on every level. Now, to have sex without this oneness, cheapens and devalues this wonderful gift God has given a husband and wife. 

To have sex without this spiritual and emotional oneness is really a lie. The physical intimacy gives a false impression that we're something that we're not. There have been times when my wife and I have gone through the physical act of sex without the spiritual and emotional connection. I'm not going to lie, the physical act felt good, but it also felt like a lie. It was a lie because we were not one at that moment. I am not proud of that, but it is reality. I would suspect it has been your reality as well. 

Someone might say, "Since I am not one with my partner, then I don't have to have sex with my spouse." This is the wrong conclusion. The question we should ask is "How do we become one spiritually and emotionally, so that when we do come together sexually, we will loudly proclaim the spiritual and emotional oneness that God intended from the beginning. 

God created sex to provide mutual pleasure. Sex was designed for a husband and wife to be mutually fulfilled and pleasured physically. Sex is one of the most beautiful and pleasurable gifts that God created. God gave us the gift of sex for us to enjoy it in the context of marriage. Let me say that last part again, God gave us sex to enjoy in the context of marriage. (My single men and women, wait. God is faithful).

Now when we are faithful in proclaiming the truth of spiritual and emotional oneness (praying together, sacrificing together, laughing together, crying together, encouraging one another to be our best for God, working together to build our lives in his Kingdom), there is heightened sexual pleasure and fulfillment. Listen, when my wife and I are clicking on all cylinders, spiritually and emotionally, the pleasure we experience is, Hal-le-lujah! Hal-le-lujah! Hallelujah! I think you get the point. It is what God intended for it to be. The opposite is true as well. When we are not living in oneness, there is a lack of sexual fulfillment and pleasure. I mean, we go through the motions because of marital obligations (It might feel good. Well, it does feel good), but the sex is not as pleasurable as it should be, the way God intended it to be.  

With the exception of real physical problems, a non-existent sex life or a troubled sex life within marriage, is a symptom of deeper problems of oneness. Sex can be great and extremely pleasurable, but it was never meant to be strong enough to sustain a relationship. When we engage in sexual intimacy, it should remind us of the spiritual and emotional oneness God intended for us to have from the beginning. 

God created sex to produce generational offspring. This is a $75 phrase for having babies. The first command that God ever gave human beings was to be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth. 

Good Sex begins with God's view of sex 

Sex is a beautiful gift from our heavenly Father

Sex is designed to be holy and sacred – designed to be separate from all other perverted forms of sex.

Sex is designed to be enjoyed within the marriage covenant   

Stay tuned. Much more to come.  Join the conversation. What do you think? 

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What Happens When My Baby Dies?

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009

Tears

As a pastor I have officiated many, many funeral services – mothers, fathers, uncles, grandfathers, teenagers, suicide victims, etc. With each service, I realize more and more, death is not the way it's supposed to be. Some would say I should put of sliver of ice in my heart and detach myself and get used to it. As a pastor, I have never gotten used to death and I hope I never will. All funeral services wreck me emotionally in some sense. But, no funeral service is more gut-wrenching for me and wrecks me more than that of a baby or a young child. The several that I have done, I could not stop bawling, even long after the service was over. Partially because the parents lost a precious gift and I can only imagine the depths of their pain. Also, because I have small children. Every so often during the singing or when we silently read the obituary, my mind would slip away and think about my own precious gifts and if it were them in the casket. These thoughts are unbearable for me, and a new fountain of tears spring from my eyes. For a split second, I place myself in their shoes and I hold the parents' pain in my heart. 

During times like these, inevitably, I get asked the question – If we were all born in sin and cannot get to heaven apart from Jesus, then What happens to babies/small children when they die? 

This is obviously a tender and tough question. Parents want to know, "Will I see my baby/child again? or What happens to infants/small children when they die? The proper place to begin is to admit that the Bible doesn't specifically address the question. However, we do know two things are true. Children are not born innocent in the sight of God. They are born sinners just like everyone else (Psalm 51:5; Romans 5:12). They are not innocent before God. Secondly, we know that God's grace is greater than human sin. Romans 5:20 reminds us that where sin abounded, grace – God's love and favor toward humanity – superabounded. 

Now, because infants do not have the natural capacity to see the revelation of God's glory (John 9:41) and his will (Romans 1:20) and embrace it, I believe God, in his inscrutable way, credits children with the power of Jesus' blood and righteousness. So that those who die before they are old enough to believe are covered by his blood and their entrance into heaven is made certain. Thus, they are saved by grace. it is important to emphasize that God is not saving them because they are innocent, but he is saving them because his mercy desires that compassion to be exercised on those who are sinful yet lack the capacity to understand truth revealed about Him in nature, the human heart, the word and through his Son, Jesus.

There is one inference in the Bible that babies go to heaven when they die. In 2 Samuel 12, David is mourning over the loss his baby. He said, "But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me." v. 23. David was not perfect, but he trusted God and was called a man after God's own heart. Therefore, I believe his statement "I will go to him one day" is more than I will die one day. It goes beyond death to a reunion with his child in the presence of God.  

"You are good and do only good. . . "  Psalm 119:68

What do you think? What other words of encouragement would you give to a parent(s) who has lost a baby or young child?   

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The Simple Six

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009

20080314_sherlock_holmes

Over the years many people have told me that they don't study the Bible because they don't have time, it's hard to understand, and probably the most cited reason is, they don't know how. This post is dedicated to helping you to use some simple principles in learning to study the Bible for yourself. I have had some great mentors in this area. People like Dr. Howard Hendricks, Dr. Charles Sell, the late E.K. Bailey and the late Michael Teague were extremely influential in me developing personal Bible study habits. Here are six questions that will help you unlock deep truths found in the Bible. 

Who? 

Who is the author of the book your are studying?
To whom was is the book addressed? 
If it is a story, who are the main characters in the story?
Who is speaking and who are the listeners (audience)

What? 

What is happening in the passage? 
What idea or thought does the author want us to understand?
Are there words that are repeated in the passage? 

When? 

When was the book written? 
When did the story happen? 

Where?

Where was the book written? (Knowing the setting is important)
Where was the author when he wrote the book?

Why? 

Why did the author write this book?
Why did he use particular words or phrases? 

How? 

How did the author intend for the verses, chapters and book to be applied?    
Here are some important application questions: 

Is there a command to obey?
Is there an example to follow?
Is there a sin that I should avoid?
Is there a promise from God that I can claim?
Is there a warning that I should heed?
Is there a truth I should believe? 
Is there something that requires me to pray, praise, or repent? 
Is there a teaching I should keep? 

Some important tools for studying the Bible for yourself:

ESV Study Bible (One of the best study Bibles on the market today)
The New Bible Dictionary (1 volume)
Eerdman's Bible Dictionary (1 Volume)
Eerdman's Commentary (1 Volume) 
Concordance 

What others principles and tools do you use to study the Bible for yourself? 

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Rediscovering the Bible

Sunday, March 15th, 2009

The bible

I have been communicating truths from the Bible for over two decades now. There have been seasons when I have fallen into the rut of substituting texts that I am teaching/preaching for my personal time alone with God. Now, there were many times when God has used those teaching texts to correct and encourage me before I served the people. However, those times were never to become the norm. During these dry times is when God allowed me to rediscover his word. Maybe you are like a chef who thinks that he can be adequately nourished by cooking, serving and just tasting food. Just like chefs need to eat and rediscover food, Jesus followers, especially those in ministry of some sort, need to rediscover the food of God's word. Based on 2 Kings 22:8-23:ff, here are some ways you can rediscover the Bible:

Read it (vv. 8, 10) Dah! This is simple, yet so profound. I need to see and hear the words on the pages or on a Cd. This really makes a big difference in your rediscovery. So, read the Bible thoughtfully, repeatedly, prayerfully, meditatively, and purposefully. Read it to learn its contents and learn its contents to fear the Lord. I spend time listening to the Bible on my Ipod. The Bible Experience, produced by Zondervan, is a great tool.  

Respond to it (v. 11). Receive humbly what God has to say to you, and recognize it as the trustworthy standard of living. When you hear its truth, ask the Holy Spirit to help you respond immediately to what you hear. 

Refine your understanding of it (v. 13). This involves submitting to others who can explain it. This may include listening to and learning from your own pastor(s) or other teachers who are solid bible teachers. I spend time listening to podcasts of men and women who are great communicators of God's word. These individuals have added so much value to my spiritual life and growth. However, submitting to others who can explain it should not be an excuse for not studying for yourself (Acts 17:11). 

Renew your commitment to it. We pursue God through reading, understanding and obeying the truths of the Bible. The Bible, along with nature and his Son, Jesus, is one of the ways in which God has chosen to reveal himself and his values. The more you discover about the Bible, the more you discover about God, and the more you discover about God, the more you know what he expects of you and the better you will be able to obey him. Take time, periodically, to renew your commitment to it. 

We read the Bible not to gain a bunch of knowledge to show people how smart we are. We read it so that God can use it to transform us in to the image of his Son, Jesus. 

What are some other ways and people God has used to help you rediscover the Bible? 

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There Are Only White People Here

Saturday, March 14th, 2009

DSC01550

On Friday, my six year old daughter and I went to a Father and Daughter banquet, hosted by a popular local Christian radio station in Grand Rapids, Michigan. It was a wonderful night for us and for so many fathers and daughters. As we were sitting at the table, waiting for our salad, my daughter made a very observant and arresting statement to me: "Dad, there are only white people here." I heard in her statement several things: 

Why are there only white people here?  
Where are the people who look like us?
This is not my normal. 
This is not God's normal. 

You see, our kids attend a multinational school, live in a diverse neighborhood, have a diverse posse of friends, and attend a multiethnic church. We are intentionally preparing them for the world. 

What should I assume from this monolithic representation at the banquet? Are the powers that be not concerned about people of color? I don't think that's a fair assessment. Do they think Black and Hispanic fathers don't care about spending time with and being a heroic influence to their daughters? I know that couldn't be it either. Did they intentionally market this event to their white listeners. I must say that the music on this station and its affiliates is not diverse enough to attract people of color. Did they market this event specifically to their financial base?  I don't know any of the marketing strategies they employed. All I know is, out of close to 800 people on Friday, my daughter and I were two of four people of color. The day before, from what I understand, was a little better, but not much. This is not our normal and has not been our normal for the last 10 years. 

My first thought was to gather a "colorful" logistical team to put together a similar event for fathers and daughters of color. I don't think this would solve the problem and would definitely perpetuate the deep divide and polarization of cultures in our city. This would be a different kind of abnormality.   

I hope to have a conversation with the VP of Communications to discuss my concerns about the unbalanced representation at the banquet. I am praying that it will be a healthy and productive conversation. Maybe next year, if we go to the banquet, my daughter will see the world in which she lives everyday and the world in which the apostle John and Dr. King dreamed.     

Do you think this is an issue worth engaging in? A conversation worth having? What questions would you ask and what issues would you raise in the conversation with the VP of Communications? 

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Keep Walking

Saturday, March 14th, 2009

Have you ever felt like you were walking, but you weren't making any progress? You know, paying bills, but the balance seems to stand still? Helping people, but they don't seem to get better? It's like walking in circles, right. I have been there more times than I care to remember. Maybe you feel like you are walking in circles right now and you're wondering if you will ever make progress again. If you feel like you are walking in circles, I want to share a few thoughts that have helped me make it through my own crop circle seasons.

1. God will meet me exactly where I am. Encourage yourself with that phrase. He knows your address and your situation, and he has not abandoned you. 

2. God will give me exactly what I need. Not only does he know where you are, he knows all your needs – a job, a friend, a church, emotional security, a husband/wife, contentment, God-sized miracle or dream, for an important business deal to go through, healing, peace, and even a working car. Cast all your cares upon him because he cares about what happens to you. 

3. Sometimes God's plan won't make sense. The Bible is littered with assignments from God that simply made little sense, if no sense at all. Walking around a wall seven times, fight a vast army with 300 men, leave the comforts of your land based on a simple word, build a large boat. Yet, in all these cases, God shows up in mind-blowing ways, affirming all he said.  

4. When nothing seems to be happening, keep on walking. The miracle, the healing, and blessing is found in pushing through the monotony and being obedient to God's specific instructions as they are revealed in his Word. Don't get tired of doing good. Don't get discouraged and give up because you will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time. 

Have you ever felt like you wanted to stop walking? What are some things, people, words that encouraged you to keep walking? 

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Dad and Daughter

Friday, March 13th, 2009

DSC01547

Because I saw so much marital and familial carnage when I was growing up, I made a decision that I did not want to get married nor have children. Well, God had different plans. I did get married almost fifteen years ago and we have three beautiful children. Although I did not desire to be a father, the father I imagined myself being, is the one you see in the picture – one whose heart is fully captured by his children and one who is learning to be fully present with and for his children. 

This evening my daughter, Mikayla (Sweetie), and I went to the Father and Daughter Banquet, hosted by a local radio station in Grand Rapids. We had a good time getting dressed up and spending quality time together. We talked about a number of subjects, laughed at one another's corny jokes, and enjoyed the singing of Jimmy Needham (dude can straight up sing). It was a great night.  

As I write this post and look at these pictures, I am really emotional. The little girl you see in the picture is my little girl and God has given her to me to mold, shape, influence, and protect. It hit me hard tonight that I must be her first hero and I am the primary shaper of her thoughts and values about men and how they are supposed to treat her. I must not and I will not yield my privilege to schools, coaches or even the church. I will not abdicate my responsibility because of busyness and laziness. God has given her to me for a short time to empower her to be a strong woman of God, listening carefully to his promptings and having courage to influence and impact her culture.

DSC01545 DSC01548
DSC01546 DSC01549  DSC01550

What intentional moves are you making to ensure that you are your children's first hero? 

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