I wanted to share this with you on our 15th year anniversary, but I did not have a copy with me in Aruba, plus the server was down at the resort. When Tonia and I were married 15 years ago, on the 10th day of July, 1994 @ 3:25 p.m., this is what I said to my bride:

To the beautiful one I stand before
It is you and you alone
I promise to love, cherish and adore

I make a solemn but joyful pledge this day,
before God and men
to love you in every way

It’s a love that is not wrapped in empty words,
but one that is seen
and not just heard

My vow this day is to provide and give
And a godly life before God, you and our children,
I will strive to live

I promise to wrap your delicate frame
in my arms when you are confused and afraid
and constantly remind you that His grace
is greater than our need.

I vow to look to and depend on the Lord of Hosts
and when an army of troubles come
in His power I will boast.

My love is tainted and incomplete
But in our most difficult times, when it will be hard to love,
I promise his love and grace we will seek.

I promise to trust Christ to guide the vessel of our marriage safely to port
Because never a mission have I known him to fail or abort

In the mind of God, from the very start,
Man and wife should become one flesh and never part.

So, to you and you only I will now cleave
and vow this day, except for death, to never leave

So when eyes are dimming and hair is graying
May I be found ever saying
I’m committed, to thee alone, I’m committed

When steps are shortened and beauty fading,
May I be found ever saying
I’m committed, to thee alone, I’m committed.

When these eyes are forever closed and my life’s breath cease,
May the testimony of my life be:
He was committed. To her alone, he was committed.

Over the last fifteen years, I have attempted to be faithful to live out these vows. But, I know I have failed, many times, (more than I care to recall), in living up to these lofty words. Today, I am working harder and harder to live in obedience to God’s role for me as a husband and embody these words that I spoke over 15 years ago.

What vows – marital or otherwise – have you made? Are you living up to the vows you made? What’s been the most difficult and the most rewarding part in living up to the vows you made?

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By the grace and power of God, I have been married and faithful to my beautiful, funny and very smart wife for fifteen years. By his grace and power, I plan to remain married and faithful to her until death separates us. Now, please hear me. I don’t say this with pride, overconfidence, self-sufficiency or sitting in the judgment seat; I know I can fall and fail like so many others have. But, I say it with humility and gratitude to God. I think I have some compelling reasons why I have not had and don’t plan to have a “jump off.”

1. I made a covenant/commitment to love and honor my wife. When I said I do before God and those 300 witnesses, I meant what I said. I promised to love, honor, cherish and to forsake all others. To have a “jump off” would dishonor Tonia, break the covenant I made, and render my vows as empty words.

2. God has allowed me, over the years, to build a good reputation and to have a modicum of positive influence. To have a “jump off” would topple and ruin, in a minute, all that God has allowed me to build over a long period of time. It’s just not worth disappointing so many people and losing my voice of influence.

3. I enjoy living and keeping all my body parts. A twitter friend of mine (David Turner) said, ‘A “jump off will get you “jumped on.”‘ Lol! So, there are some physically compelling reasons for me not to have a “jump off.”

4. I have three beautiful children, who look up to their father and think that he is some sort of hero to them. I really try to live up to their expectations, but I know I fall short often. But, in this area, I don’t want to have to sit them down, take off the cape, and try to explain to them why my actions were less than heroic, why I hurt their mother in such a deep way, and why I broke their trust. That’s a conversation I would prefer not to have with them.

5. It is just too physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially draining to keep up with lies I’m supposed to tell, two or three sets of places I’m supposed to be, gifts I’m supposed to buy, lines I’m supposed to have down, and important dates I’m supposed to remember. I’m just becoming proficient in all of this with Tonia. To try and do this for more than one, I’m just not that good, and neither do I want to be.

6. For me to have a “jump off” would sully the sacredness of marriage and break the heart of my heavenly Father. I still believe that marriage is a sacred and holy relationship designed by God, and I want mine to be a true and clear picture of Christ’s relationship to the church. As for breaking the heart of my heavenly Father, I am trying to do that less and less.

It is time for us to take the energy and creativity we put into maintaining “jump offs” and redirect and reposition it toward working on, protecting and saving our marriages.

What are some other compelling reasons to remain faithful to your spouse? What practical things would you suggest or do you have in place to guard yourself from having an affair or committing adultery?

BTW, if you see me doing something, saying something, writing something or relating to someone in a way that is deemed inappropriate, you have the freedom to check me.

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Every so often I wonder about my funeral. (Now, I know this is not a pleasant thought, but it has a significant purpose for me). When I think about that day, I wonder what people will say about me, you know, what kind of person I was and what kind of impact I made on the world. This process is quite humbling and motivating. It’s humbling because I know God is the one who controls life and not me. I know my life will end one day. It’s motivating because it causes me to give my life to the things that really matter – God, eternal values, family and friends. 

Therefore, each day I live, I am writing, or at least have opportunity to write the eulogy that I would like read at my own funeral.  Here are some questions that have been very helpful to me as I have thought through this process. They may be helpful to you, too, as you write and live your own eulogy

1. How do I want to be remembered?

2. What personal characteristics do I want people to remember me for or by?

3. What do I want to have accomplished? 

4. What will have been the most important to me in my life? 

5. What will my lasting legacy be?

Have you ever asked yourself these kinds of questions? If so, how did the process make you feel? 

If you don’t mind, take a moment to think through one of the questions above and leave your answer here. Grace and peace.

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Recently, I spoke to some Christian athletes. I asked them how did they normally respond to hardships (torn ACL/ MCL/PCLs, loneliness, being ridiculed for their faith). They responded: fear, anger, “why me?”, self pity, aggression, despair, turning to abusive behavior, apathy, and turning to God. I told them they were carriers – carriers of pain, so they could ultimately be carriers of comfort. Just as I encouraged these athletes, Paul encouraged a group of believers in a town called Corinth.

He reminded them that afflictions were inevitable for the follower of Jesus. Many were being persecuted, imprisoned, and oppressed by unbelievers – all because their relationship with Jesus. But, Paul wanted the Corinthians to know that, in the midst of their trouble, God was their source of divine help. He would come to their side and help them to have godly responses. Then Paul gave two purposes why God allowed suffering: so, they could experience direct and personal comfort from God, and then from that experience, give God’s comfort to others (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). God allowed affliction and brought divine comfort so that the Corinthians might have the capacity to enter into another person’s pain, affliction and sorrow and bring comfort to them.

As we experience sufferings, affliction and pain of all kinds – physical, spiritual, emotional – let us remember that God will bring direct and personal divine comfort to us through his word, by the Holy Spirit and through fellow believers. Thus we are CARRIERS of pain, so we can ultimately be CARRIERS of COMFORT – God’s comfort. Sometimes we carry God’s comfort with consoling words and other times words are inadequate and get in the way. Thus, we must carry God’s comfort by the ministry of presence.

We are not comforted by God to be comfortable. Nor are we comforted by God to become consumers and connoisseurs of God’s comfort; we are comforted by God to be comforters. God comforts us so we can be CHANNELS and CARRIERS of COMFORT.  

How has this been true of you lately? How can your suffering and God’s comforting you through it, help you empathize with others? 

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Sometimes, in life and relationships, we have to GO THROUGH this:

And ENDURE this: 

And CLIMB and BATTLE this:

In order to ENJOY the view of this:

And be OVERWHELMED by the beauty and power of this:

And EXPERIENCE the refreshment of this:

What “This” have you had to go through, endure, battle and climb, in order to get to the “This” of breath-taking scenery and refreshing natural pools? Remember, this is still “sponsor me” week. So, leave a comment.

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Last night, after dinner, my wife and I engaged in a deep conversation about our relationship. The magic of Aruba will make you do that. We talked about the last fifteen years – when we first got married, the ups and downs, the good and the not so good, the high points and the low points, the hilarious and the serious times, of our marriage. As we sat on the beach, listening to waves crashing onto shore and looking up at the moonlit night, we talked about how God had given a measure of success in our marriage (a far cry from being perfect). We have had a level of success because of: 

How much work we’ve had to put into it

How many adjustments and compromises we’ve had to make,

How we’ve had to ask forgiveness and be forgiven,

How many times we’ve had to let go of our own agenda and make the other the priority, even when we did not want to, and

How we’ve had to wrap the towel around our waist and wash each other’s feet.

It was really a great conversation (We’ve only just begun). From our conversation, I concluded this: We don’t find our soul mates (I’m not knocking those who say they have found theirs). I know “finding our soul mate” implies such compelling compatibility that it feels like this person is the other half of your soul and God created this person just for you, to complete you. For some, it also implies that the relationship will be as close to perfect as possible. I think finding our soul mate is fantasy, one from which life and reality will wake you. I think we choose if we are going to love as Jesus loved and who we’re going to love that way. I think we choose to do the every day work of love and become what we need to become to build up and complete our spouse and significant other. It doesn’t happen automatically because we say we’ve found our soul mate. This kind of love happens through intentional:

Hard work

Effort

Commitment

Adjustments

Compromise

Sacrifice

Transparency

Honesty

Humility

Toppling personal walls we’ve erected,

Asking forgiveness and learning to forgive and not holding grudges

Learning to love what he/she loves

Making him/her the priority

After fifteen years, we are convinced that love is not an emotional noun – something you feel; love is an active verb – something you do. I believe when you do the work of love, the feelings of love will follow. You don’t find a soul mate; you become one. 

Do you agree or disagree that you don’t find a soul mate but you become a soul mate through choosing to love a person the way Jesus loved? Why? 

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My wife and I were discussing the recent stories about politicians, TV celebrities, sports figures, pastors and ministry leaders, and close friends, committing adultery. It seems like it is perfectly acceptable for married men to have “jump offs.“ A “jump off” is a man’s casual or long time sexual partner or girlfriend, other than his wife or significant other; a woman of dubious sexual practices; a woman, other than his wife, whom he can “jump on” and “jump off,” without any real commitment. As Tonia and I discussed the consequences and the fallout of adultery, and the pain suffered and the road to healing and restored trust, we could not talk about it without getting angry, but also not without our hearts breaking and aching for all those involved – spouses, children, family, friends, members and constituencies.  

One of the questions my wife asked me was, what goes through a man’s mind when he make the decision to make that infamous call to set up the appointment for the forbidden coffee, lunch or dinner, send that emotionally or sexually charged email, text message, IM or DM, to meet in some darkly lit parking lot, or some “off the beaten path” hotel or even take a trip to a romantic city and say you were hiking? What is a man thinking when he allows risky flirting to turn into sexual reality?  Now, I know that women are culpable as well, but today I am just talking about men. What are some of the things that set up us men for moral failure? What are some things that pave the way for that moment of insanity? I don’t know all that goes through a man’s mind, but based on my experience as a man and a pastor, I have listened to so many stories from men who have fallen, and when I perform the autopsy on adultery, here is what I find: 

Self-deception, delusional, and prideful thinking - “I won’t get caught”; “I can preach/teach it, but I don’t have to live it.”; “Nobody will ever find out”; “I’m too strong for it to happen to me.”; There is nothing wrong with innocent flirting.”

Insanity 

Isolation 

A worldly value system

Practical Atheism (saying God exists, but living like He doesn’t). 

Fatigue and burnout 

Not making our wives the priority

Pure selfishness/self gratification  

Disrespect from their wives or significant others 

God/Messiah complex

Having an emotional and mental affair first (undisciplined thought life)

Unrealistic expectations of our wives or significant others 

Not having godly and strong editors in our lives 

Forgetting what’s at stake 

Dichotomous living (Not seeing our lives as one whole, but separating the secular and the sacred)

No, very few, or flimsy boundaries

I will stop here, but I will not leave us hopeless. I will have more to say tomorrow – how we can protect ourselves from standing at a microphone apologizing for ruining our families, our careers and destroying the trust that so many placed in us. But, I would love for you to join this conversation. 

What do you think? Is it all right for a married man or a man in a serious relationship, to have a jump off? Why or why not? Looking at the list above, which do you believe are the top three reasons why they do? What do you think are some other reasons why men commit adultery or cheat on their significant others (besides men are dogs)? How can we do a better job protecting what is sacred and holy? Please join the conversation.

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Jackie Robinson was the first black to play major league baseball in the modern era (Moses Fleetwood Walker played 42 games in 1884). Breaking baseball’s color barrier, he faced jeering crowds in many stadiums. While playing one day in his home stadium in Brooklyn, he committed an error. The fans began to ridicule him. He stood at second base, humiliated, while fans jeered. Then, shortstop Pee Wee Reese came over and stood next to him. He put his arm around Jackie Robinson and faced the crowd. The fans grew quiet. Robinson later said: “That arm around my shoulder saved my career.”  In that moment, Pee Wee Reese was Robinson’s “ride or die.” A “ride or die” is someone in your life who will be there with you through thick and thin. They will do what they need to do to help you make it through difficult times. In short, a “ride or die” is a very close friend. King David had a“ride or die” list, and we can find that list over five chapters in 2 Samuel (15-19). David’s “ride or die” list include: Ittai, Zadok, Abiathar, Hushai, Shobi, Machir, Barzillai, and Joab. Their examples help us to see what a true “ride or die” looks like. A true “ride or die” will:

1. Pledge absolute allegiance to you, even if it means death
2. Tell you the truth about your life and decisions 
3. Love you when you have nothing else to give
4. Put you first 
5. Not let the past to ruin the friendship 
6. Accepts you, even when he/she doesn’t understand you or agree with you 
7. Will stand with you regardless of risks involved
8. Lay their lives down for you 
9. Give without being asked and they ask for nothing in return
10. Give out of love with no hidden agenda

No price is too high and no inconvenience too great for a true “ride or die.” As I look over this list of characteristics, my “ride or die” list is very short, maybe 5-7 deep. Based on these characteristics, and others you can add, prayerfully make your own “ride or die” list. Who are the people who would be on your list? Why? How can you demonstrate your appreciation for their friendship to you? Would your closest friends consider you a true “ride or die?” 

There is a “Ride and Die” who sticks closer than a brother. (Proverbs 18:24)

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