Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

Why I Don’t Have a “Jump Off”

Thursday, December 3rd, 2009

hands2 Why I Dont Have a Jump Off

By the grace and power of God, I have been married and faithful to my beautiful, funny and very smart wife for fifteen years. By his grace and power, I plan to remain married and faithful to her until death separates us. Now, please hear me. I don’t say this with pride, overconfidence, self-sufficiency or sitting in the judgment seat; I know I can fall and fail like so many others have. But, I say it with humility and gratitude to God. I think I have some compelling reasons why I have not had and don’t plan to have a “jump off.”

1. I made a covenant/commitment to love and honor my wife. When I said I do before God and those 300 witnesses, I meant what I said. I promised to love, honor, cherish and to forsake all others. To have a “jump off” would dishonor Tonia, break the covenant I made, and render my vows as empty words.

2. God has allowed me, over the years, to build a good reputation and to have a modicum of positive influence. To have a “jump off” would topple and ruin, in a minute, all that God has allowed me to build over a long period of time. It’s just not worth disappointing so many people and losing my voice of influence.

3. I enjoy living and keeping all my body parts. A twitter friend of mine (David Turner) said, ‘A “jump off will get you “jumped on.”‘ Lol! So, there are some physically compelling reasons for me not to have a “jump off.”

4. I have three beautiful children, who look up to their father and think that he is some sort of hero to them. I really try to live up to their expectations, but I know I fall short often. But, in this area, I don’t want to have to sit them down, take off the cape, and try to explain to them why my actions were less than heroic, why I hurt their mother in such a deep way, and why I broke their trust. That’s a conversation I would prefer not to have with them.

5. It is just too physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially draining to keep up with lies I’m supposed to tell, two or three sets of places I’m supposed to be, gifts I’m supposed to buy, lines I’m supposed to have down, and important dates I’m supposed to remember. I’m just becoming proficient in all of this with Tonia. To try and do this for more than one, I’m just not that good, and neither do I want to be.

6. For me to have a “jump off” would sully the sacredness of marriage and break the heart of my heavenly Father. I still believe that marriage is a sacred and holy relationship designed by God, and I want mine to be a true and clear picture of Christ’s relationship to the church. As for breaking the heart of my heavenly Father, I am trying to do that less and less.

It is time for us to take the energy and creativity we put into maintaining “jump offs” and redirect and reposition it toward working on, protecting and saving our marriages.

What are some other compelling reasons to remain faithful to your spouse? What practical things would you suggest or do you have in place to guard yourself from having an affair or committing adultery?

BTW, if you see me doing something, saying something, writing something or relating to someone in a way that is deemed inappropriate, you have the freedom to check me.

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Is It All Right to Have a “Jump Off?”

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

adultery 300x150 Is It All Right to Have a Jump Off?

My wife and I were discussing the recent stories about politicians, TV celebrities, sports figures, pastors and ministry leaders, and close friends, committing adultery. It seems like it is perfectly acceptable for married men to have “jump offs.“ A “jump off” is a man’s casual or long time sexual partner or girlfriend, other than his wife or significant other; a woman of dubious sexual practices; a woman, other than his wife, whom he can “jump on” and “jump off,” without any real commitment. As Tonia and I discussed the consequences and the fallout of adultery, and the pain suffered and the road to healing and restored trust, we could not talk about it without getting angry, but also not without our hearts breaking and aching for all those involved – spouses, children, family, friends, members and constituencies.  

One of the questions my wife asked me was, what goes through a man’s mind when he make the decision to make that infamous call to set up the appointment for the forbidden coffee, lunch or dinner, send that emotionally or sexually charged email, text message, IM or DM, to meet in some darkly lit parking lot, or some “off the beaten path” hotel or even take a trip to a romantic city and say you were hiking? What is a man thinking when he allows risky flirting to turn into sexual reality?  Now, I know that women are culpable as well, but today I am just talking about men. What are some of the things that set up us men for moral failure? What are some things that pave the way for that moment of insanity? I don’t know all that goes through a man’s mind, but based on my experience as a man and a pastor, I have listened to so many stories from men who have fallen, and when I perform the autopsy on adultery, here is what I find: 

Self-deception, delusional, and prideful thinking - “I won’t get caught”; “I can preach/teach it, but I don’t have to live it.”; “Nobody will ever find out”; “I’m too strong for it to happen to me.”; There is nothing wrong with innocent flirting.”

Insanity 

Isolation 

A worldly value system

Practical Atheism (saying God exists, but living like He doesn’t). 

Fatigue and burnout 

Not making our wives the priority

Pure selfishness/self gratification  

Disrespect from their wives or significant others 

God/Messiah complex

Having an emotional and mental affair first (undisciplined thought life)

Unrealistic expectations of our wives or significant others 

Not having godly and strong editors in our lives 

Forgetting what’s at stake 

Dichotomous living (Not seeing our lives as one whole, but separating the secular and the sacred)

No, very few, or flimsy boundaries

I will stop here, but I will not leave us hopeless. I will have more to say tomorrow – how we can protect ourselves from standing at a microphone apologizing for ruining our families, our careers and destroying the trust that so many placed in us. But, I would love for you to join this conversation. 

What do you think? Is it all right for a married man or a man in a serious relationship, to have a jump off? Why or why not? Looking at the list above, which do you believe are the top three reasons why they do? What do you think are some other reasons why men commit adultery or cheat on their significant others (besides men are dogs)? How can we do a better job protecting what is sacred and holy? Please join the conversation.

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Setting the Atmosphere for Good Sex

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

Setting the Atmosphere for Good Sex

Thanks for all the feedback and comments from the last several posts on Good Sex. Your feedback has been insightful and added value to the conversation.

Good Sex is maximized when I give myself fully to my spouse. Good Sex is not a solo performance. It is an act of communion, cooperation, sacrifice and selflessness. These acts require constant adjustments.

Two different people + personality differences + different needs = adjustments. 

Men and women are different and differences require adjustments. When it comes to Good Sex, men and women are not equal. Women are vastly superior to men at being women, and men are vastly superior to women at being men. Therefore, we must relinquish our rights to understand and meet the needs of our spouse.

When you got married, you gave your spouse the rights to your body (1 Corinthians 7:1-7). Marriage is about you giving yourself fully to your spouse and your spouse giving himself/herself fully to you. This passage is clear that we are to use our bodies to meet the sexual needs of our spouses. This is quite different from what our culture teaches: What can I get and how soon can I get it? When I give myself fully to my spouse sexually, I ask: "What can I give and how can I meet my spouses sexual needs. The marriage covenant says: "I will meet my partner's needs before I meet my own needs, and I will not deprive my spouse of his/her sexual needs." If a person uses sex to punish his/her spouse, he/she is not living up to the biblical principle of what it means to give himself/herself to his/her spouse, and he/she opens the door for Satan to destroy the relationship through powerful temptations. It is important to fulfill your spouse's sexual needs so that she/he will not look outside the marriage to have his/her sexual needs fulfilled by someone else.  

Good Sex is not about doing what comes naturally to you. We want to do what feels good to us, and even what we think our spouse wants or needs. I am wrong 90% of the time. My wife and I are different. Men, we must be willing to be coached. We must be willing to learn, and even let our spouses teach us what she needs. It is a skill and an art (1 Peter 3:7). As much as I thought I knew, I had to learn what my wife needed. Just a note – the same spot does not always work. When you think you have one spot figured out, it will change. Can I get a witness? It is not automatic. The same is true for women. Find out what is best for both of you. Nothing dowses the passion and ruins the atmosphere of Good Sex more than attempting to make your spouse do something that he or she is not comfortable with and that you both have not agreed upon.  

Therefore, we must take our time and explore and set the atmosphere for our sexual relationship.
Men, we are famous for underestimating the importance of atmosphere. We can be ready to go any time and anywhere. However, for women, atmosphere means everything. Women make a checklist of environmental concerns: 

The blinds/curtains are closed tight enough. 
The door is not closed all the way. 
The light is too bright. 
It's too hot. 
It's too cold. 
Warm your hands up. You better not put your cold hands on me. 
Your breath is kicking. Can you go brush and gargle?
I hear the kids.      

Solomon, probably one of the best lovers in the world give us some great suggestions on how to set the mood for Good Sex: 

Fragrances and perfumes - Please, fellas, no Brute (Song of Solomon 1:12)
Genuine compliments (Song of Solomon 1:15-16)
Privacy/aloneness (Song of Solomon 2:5)
Affectionate touch (cuddling, holding hands – touches that tell her that you love her and desire her – Song of Solomon 2:6))
Attractive attire – get rid of the flannel granny pajamas and purchase something sexy – Song of Solomon 4:9, 11)
Intimate talk (Song of Solomon 4:16) 
Unhurried times (Song of Solomon 5:1b)
Special places (Song of Solomon 7:12) 

Here are some other things that help set the atmosphere so that we can maximize Good Sex:

Pray together/serve together
Help your spouse grow spiritually
Spend more time together 
Resolve conflict quickly and completely. Do not let a root of bitterness and resentment grow in your relationship. Nothing ruins the moment like unresolved conflict. 

Giving ourselves wholly means total commitment, sexually, to our spouses.  

I hope these posts have been insightful to you. I don't pretend to be a Good Sex expert, but I have learned a lot in fourteen years and am still learning. What can you add to the conversation? 

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I Don’t Feel Like It

Friday, March 27th, 2009

Have you ever flirted with your spouse in the morning before work – with a nibble on the ear, pat on the butt, or a long passionate kiss or hug? And, you achieved the oneness spiritually and emotionally that we talked about in the earlier posts, and you thought to yourself, “Yeah, baby! It’s on like popcorn, tonight.” You go through the day, thinking about your time together. But, after a long day of meetings, cooking, picking up kids, refereeing fights between kids or managers, cleaning poop and throw up (if you have little ones), computer crashing, washing clothes, maneuvering through bumper to bumper traffic, and putting out other fires or killing cockroaches (tony morgan’s insightful book on leadership), the morning foreplay is a distant memory. You don’t want to be touched and all you want is to relax and go to bed. You are so tired and all you can muster up is: “Can I take care you tomorrow, Sweetheart?” or “Let me get just 30 minutes of sleep and I’ll be ready for you.” or “Baby, I am so tired, that I just don’t feel like it tonight.” Can I get a witness in the house? 

Every couple goes through this at some point in their marriage. It’s called the Desire Dilemma. If this problem is not resolved, Good Sex will turn into duty sex – just the physical mechanics or let’s just get it over with – or sympathy sex – “I’ll give it to you so you can stop pouting.” If you don’t resolve the desire dilemma, you won’t experience all that God intended for sex to be. Here are some helpful principles that we have learned over the years regarding the desire dilemma.  
Changes in sexual desire will occur.  So, accept it. This is normal. This happens for a number of reasons. When marital expectations are disappointed, sexual desire sometimes wanes. A woman’s sexual desire tends to wane right after she has had children because she is freakin’ tired.  Not feeling loved or respected affects sexual desire. How we feel about our bodies and our weight impacts sexual desire. A woman’s menstrual cycle is another cause that may zap sexual energy. Sexual immorality (pornography, flirtation, affairs, etc.) definitely dowses sexual desire. It is just good to know that changes in sexual desires will occur. The sooner we accept this inevitability, the more energy we can put into resolving the issue.  

Waning or low sexual desire and lack of or energy seem to go hand in hand. Here are some things we have tried to put in place to resolve the low sexual energy levels in our relationship: 

1. Simpify our lives. We are busy people. I am a pastor and my wife is an educator. We have three growing and active children. We found ourselves running from here to there and back to here. No wonder were tired and had no energy to be intimate with one another, not to mention having Good Sex. So, we started saying no to all the things that prevented us from being intimate with one another. We continue to cut things out of our lives, not just for Good Sex, but in order to be relationally healthy. We have found when we are relationally healthy, our sexual desire increases greatly. 

2. Sleep more. Getting to bed earlier has helped to resolve our desire dilemma. We try not to watch television Monday through Thursday because we recognize it is one of the thieves of intimacy and sexual energy (Now, I must admit that I get my Monday fix of 24). We try to get to bed between 9:30 and 10:00. This way, we still have energy if we choose to make love at night, or in the morning (Probably TMI, but Honey Brown gave me permission to share it). Either way, we resolve the low energy problem by getting proper rest. 

3. Share the household chores - I’m bringing sexy back by washing, drying and folding clothes and picking up kids from school. If the woman is doing all the chores (sad to say, this is normally the way it shakes out. This is not right), we as men cannot expect her to have enough energy to rock our proverbial worlds in the evening. Shame on us for expecting it. This highlights what a marriage should be – a covenant partnership.
  
4. Exercise more – Eating healthy, running, and lifting weight increase oxygen and sexual desire. 
 
5. Laugh more - We laugh a lot in our house. From how we were raised and where we were raised, to the crazy mistakes we’ve made with money, parenting, etc. We are learning not to take ourselves so seriously. When a couple enjoys one another’s company, sexual desire goes through the roof.  

6. Guard your marriage from sexual immorality of any kind.  

I know this is not an exhaustive list of resolving the desire dilemma, and I don’t pretend to have all the answers here. What are some other ways couples can resolve the desire dilemma? Join the conversation.       

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More Good Sex

Thursday, March 26th, 2009

As I mentioned on yesterday, Good Sex begins with God’s view of sex. The physical act of sex should proclaim spiritual and emotional oneness, and spiritual and emotional oneness heightens physical pleasure and fulfillment in sex.

Practically, Good Sex, continues with oneness in communication. You and your spouse should spend time talking about your feelings and needs. I know this is scary and uncomfortable for some because you were probably raised to not talk about sex. I was raised in a home where my parents simply did not talk about sex. If they did talk about sex, it was, “boy, you better keep it in your pants” and girl, you better keep your dress down.” That was the extent. Anybody feeling me on that? And the inability to talk about sex in marriage – likes, dislikes, needs, desires, frustrations – has stifled and stagnated Good Sex.
Good Sex must have great communication.

Many couples never really make the communication connection, especially about sex. I mean, these couples learn how to master the mechanics of sex, but really never spent time developing the necessary skills for creating intimacy through good communication. They have never learned how to relate at a deeper/oneness level. Therefore, a lot is missing from their sex life. This principle highlights the real problem of premarital sex – couples become bed mates before they become soul mates. Sex gives the appearance that a couple is close. Moreover, sex speeds up everything, so that a couple doesn’t have time to listen to and communicate with each other. And, the couple ends up playing catch up for the rest of the relationship. Not only that, there seems to be a preoccupation wit manipulation, one or both trying to figure out ways – touching the right spots, saying the right words, playing the right music – to get the person in bed. I digress.
Good Sex must have great communication.

1. Communicate your feelings and needs openly and honestly. There is no real intimacy without transparent and honest communication.
2. Tell the truth and be specific. Don’t beat around the bush by speaking in code, making obscure statements, and speaking in sexual parables that only Jesus can figure out. It’s cruel to keep your spouse guessing about what you mean and what you want. Now, this may feel a little uncomfortable at first, but keep practicing and talking; you will become more skillful in expressing, truthfully, your likes, dislikes, needs, frustrations and joys.
3. Schedule and plan a face to face talk about your sexual relationship. Prepare and pray before the face to face. (The average couple spends on an average 4 minutes a day face to face. It is impossible to develop relational depth and intimacy in four minutes. Bring two lists: 1) What I love about our sexual relationship right now and 2) What I would like to see different in our sexual relationship. My wife and I have practiced this and continue to practice this.
4. Make “I” statements – A wife may say, “Baby, I need you to spend more time talking to me, holding me, taking your time to get me in the mood.” A husband may say, “Sweetheart, I would like for us to have sex more frequently during the week.” Another “I” statement may go like this: ” I would like for us to talk about how we can solve the desire dilemma in our sex life.” These are just a few examples. This was an uncomfortable process for us in the early years of our marriage. But, through a lot of practice, we have become pretty, pretty good at making  and fulfilling “I” statements. Good Sex really does begin with great communication.
5. Remember that you love each other. The conversation is about cooperating with each other and helping each other.
6. Come ready to solve the problem, not complain and argue about the problem. Spend time encouraging one another, not criticizing one another. We change faster through encouragement than we do through criticism.
Good Sex must have great communication
I know this is a sensitive subject, but it is a subject that the church cannot afford not to talk about. I don’t pretend to know all there is to know about sex, but the aforementioned list has been some of our learnings after 14 years of marriage. We continue to learn what it means to develop intimacy in our relationship.
This conversation is incomplete without your voice. What would you add to this list?
BTW, my Honey Brown, Tonia, is aware and gave me permission to talk about and publish the personal information that I have shared and will be sharing in these posts.
Stay tuned for more: Sex is not the same as intimacy. How do we build intimacy in order to maximize our sexual relationship?

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Good Sex

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

Good Sex

The other day I googled the word "sex" and found that there were 794,000,000 hits. Can you imagine that? I bet you can. Needless to say, sex is a very popular and powerful topic. Not only is sex a popular and powerful topic, but it can be the source of problems in marriage as well. Many couples have indicated their love life is in trouble. Some couples say their sexual intimacy is non-existent in their marriage, not even a hug. It is a sad reality, but it is not a hopeless reality. I will draw principles from Genesis 1:28; 2:18; 2:23-25 and 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 to give us perspective on Good Sex. These next few posts will be dedicated to married couples (Singles will definitely be able to learn from these posts as well), helping us think through how to have Good Sex. Because the God we serve invented sex, those of us who follow him should be having the best sex, right? Well, I think so. Well, why did God create sex anyway? 

God created sex for us to proclaim a spiritual truth. Sex is not just about skin to skin, hittin' it, or getting your swerve on. It is a physical expression of a spiritual truth. This truth is spiritual and emotional oneness. Sex is as much a spiritual and emotional mystery as it is a physical act. 

Sex is a very spiritual and emotional act. When God created man and woman, he created them to be spiritual and emotional beings. They were designed to connect with God. They were designed to connect with one another. They were created to be in tune with one another's needs for love, intimacy, closeness and companionship. The spiritual and emotional closeness and oneness are naturally expressed through the physical act of sex. 

When a couple is sexually intimate with one another, God designed it so that they would be actually proclaiming "we are one" on all levels – one spiritually and one emotionally. One on every level. Now, to have sex without this oneness, cheapens and devalues this wonderful gift God has given a husband and wife. 

To have sex without this spiritual and emotional oneness is really a lie. The physical intimacy gives a false impression that we're something that we're not. There have been times when my wife and I have gone through the physical act of sex without the spiritual and emotional connection. I'm not going to lie, the physical act felt good, but it also felt like a lie. It was a lie because we were not one at that moment. I am not proud of that, but it is reality. I would suspect it has been your reality as well. 

Someone might say, "Since I am not one with my partner, then I don't have to have sex with my spouse." This is the wrong conclusion. The question we should ask is "How do we become one spiritually and emotionally, so that when we do come together sexually, we will loudly proclaim the spiritual and emotional oneness that God intended from the beginning. 

God created sex to provide mutual pleasure. Sex was designed for a husband and wife to be mutually fulfilled and pleasured physically. Sex is one of the most beautiful and pleasurable gifts that God created. God gave us the gift of sex for us to enjoy it in the context of marriage. Let me say that last part again, God gave us sex to enjoy in the context of marriage. (My single men and women, wait. God is faithful).

Now when we are faithful in proclaiming the truth of spiritual and emotional oneness (praying together, sacrificing together, laughing together, crying together, encouraging one another to be our best for God, working together to build our lives in his Kingdom), there is heightened sexual pleasure and fulfillment. Listen, when my wife and I are clicking on all cylinders, spiritually and emotionally, the pleasure we experience is, Hal-le-lujah! Hal-le-lujah! Hallelujah! I think you get the point. It is what God intended for it to be. The opposite is true as well. When we are not living in oneness, there is a lack of sexual fulfillment and pleasure. I mean, we go through the motions because of marital obligations (It might feel good. Well, it does feel good), but the sex is not as pleasurable as it should be, the way God intended it to be.  

With the exception of real physical problems, a non-existent sex life or a troubled sex life within marriage, is a symptom of deeper problems of oneness. Sex can be great and extremely pleasurable, but it was never meant to be strong enough to sustain a relationship. When we engage in sexual intimacy, it should remind us of the spiritual and emotional oneness God intended for us to have from the beginning. 

God created sex to produce generational offspring. This is a $75 phrase for having babies. The first command that God ever gave human beings was to be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth. 

Good Sex begins with God's view of sex 

Sex is a beautiful gift from our heavenly Father

Sex is designed to be holy and sacred – designed to be separate from all other perverted forms of sex.

Sex is designed to be enjoyed within the marriage covenant   

Stay tuned. Much more to come.  Join the conversation. What do you think? 

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