Is It All Right to Have a “Jump Off?”
My wife and I were discussing the recent stories about politicians, TV celebrities, sports figures, pastors and ministry leaders, and close friends, committing adultery. It seems like it is perfectly acceptable for married men to have “jump offs.“ A “jump off” is a man’s casual or long time sexual partner or girlfriend, other than his wife or significant other; a woman of dubious sexual practices; a woman, other than his wife, whom he can “jump on” and “jump off,” without any real commitment. As Tonia and I discussed the consequences and the fallout of adultery, and the pain suffered and the road to healing and restored trust, we could not talk about it without getting angry, but also not without our hearts breaking and aching for all those involved – spouses, children, family, friends, members and constituencies.
One of the questions my wife asked me was, what goes through a man’s mind when he make the decision to make that infamous call to set up the appointment for the forbidden coffee, lunch or dinner, send that emotionally or sexually charged email, text message, IM or DM, to meet in some darkly lit parking lot, or some “off the beaten path” hotel or even take a trip to a romantic city and say you were hiking? What is a man thinking when he allows risky flirting to turn into sexual reality? Now, I know that women are culpable as well, but today I am just talking about men. What are some of the things that set up us men for moral failure? What are some things that pave the way for that moment of insanity? I don’t know all that goes through a man’s mind, but based on my experience as a man and a pastor, I have listened to so many stories from men who have fallen, and when I perform the autopsy on adultery, here is what I find:
Self-deception, delusional, and prideful thinking - “I won’t get caught”; “I can preach/teach it, but I don’t have to live it.”; “Nobody will ever find out”; “I’m too strong for it to happen to me.”; There is nothing wrong with innocent flirting.”
Insanity
Isolation
A worldly value system
Practical Atheism (saying God exists, but living like He doesn’t).
Fatigue and burnout
Not making our wives the priority
Pure selfishness/self gratification
Disrespect from their wives or significant others
God/Messiah complex
Having an emotional and mental affair first (undisciplined thought life)
Unrealistic expectations of our wives or significant others
Not having godly and strong editors in our lives
Forgetting what’s at stake
Dichotomous living (Not seeing our lives as one whole, but separating the secular and the sacred)
No, very few, or flimsy boundaries
I will stop here, but I will not leave us hopeless. I will have more to say tomorrow – how we can protect ourselves from standing at a microphone apologizing for ruining our families, our careers and destroying the trust that so many placed in us. But, I would love for you to join this conversation.
What do you think? Is it all right for a married man or a man in a serious relationship, to have a jump off? Why or why not? Looking at the list above, which do you believe are the top three reasons why they do? What do you think are some other reasons why men commit adultery or cheat on their significant others (besides men are dogs)? How can we do a better job protecting what is sacred and holy? Please join the conversation.
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June 25th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Looking at the list above – I'd say the TOP THREE reasons why many do are:
Isolation
Fatigue and burnout
Not having godly and strong editors in our lives
Sad to see so many fall because of it.
June 25th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Hey, I really enjoied reading your blog. I am currently engaged and we promised to take care of each other and to protect what God has given us like a sacred piece of gold. Tempations is always around the corner and if you look for a reason to cheat I bet after a while you could rationalize something based on what the media, society, and what movies teach us. However, we must come to the understanding that when we made our vowes we made them with our partners as well as God. To conclude, I once heard a person who debated against the right for gays to marry what he said was profound for everyone. I paraphrase "If you allow anyone and anything to marry one another you lose the sacredness of meaning of marriage…by losen the meaning what does marriage mean anymore." With devorce rates near 50% we ( Christians, muslims, jews, Americans, Everyone) has do do something about this.. You will be a fool to assume devorces only affect you. They affect you children, your community, and those looking up to you.
June 25th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Thanks for joining the convo. Those three definitely have caused many of our leaders to Fall and Fail. Based on your list, part of the answer to prevent moral failure is to genuinely live in community, live a balanced and physically healthy life, and invite some strong godly men to edit our lives, marriages, ministry habits, relationships and decisions. Ford, thanks for joining and giving a good and growing example.
June 25th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
This is exactly what I am talking about. Tomorrow i will be talking about commitments we absolutely have to make prior to the temptation. You are attempting to do it the right way. I hear you saying that marriage is still sacred union and a holy relationship. Keith, again, you are attempting to do it the right way. Don't lose that perspective. When you and your fiance make it to 5, 10, 15, 20, 25 years of marriage, you will look back and say you made some prior commitments and you did not place yourself in positions to ruin something beautiful. Thanks for sharing your perspective. Grace and peace.
June 25th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
I think men with low self esteem and low self confidence tend to cheat because of the attention from someone other than their wives. Getting their egos stroked by someone; thinking and foolishly believing that the friendship is innocent. Cheating to me is not just physical contact with someone other than your mate. It's the time spent with the other person, phone calls, text messages, etc. in order to call someone or text, the cheater had to be thinking about them long enough. The cheating act always starts by meditating on an un-pure thought, which later became an act. Until those types of men get a reality check and see themselves as God sees them, they will continue b/c they don't value themselves enough….only my opinion
June 25th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
I am a single woman and I do believe that it is okay for a married man or woman to have a jumpoff as long as it is communicated properly. Sleeping or fraternizing without telling me will cause problems. Telling me allows us to open the option of having an open relationship. Open relationships do work with the correct foundation and philosophies. If you want to go outside of our relationship for love and affection, if you need more… just tell me.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Kitty, thanks for your comments and openness. I think it added something to the convo. I really appreciate it. A couple of questions: What are the rules and correct foundation and philosophies of an open relationship? Can you bring the "jump off" home? What about sexually transmitted diseases? What if he falls in love with the other woman and leaves you? Is trust overrated? I am a follower of Jesus, and my values and thinking about marriage, relationships, women, and sex are shaped by the Bible. What shapes your thinking about relationships, marriage, men and sex? Tune in tomorrow as we explore this subject more. Again, thanks for your comments.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
I was just talking to a gf yesterday about establishing appropriate boundaries when it comes to platonic relationships. "Be careful when you think you stand, lest you fall", my mother has said this to me since I was a little girl. None of us are perfect. We have to be careful not to think that we would never do anything like that. Men, I think, can be especially proud when it comes to admitting they are unfulfilled or tempted or in need. Also I think men, and I can only guess being that I am woman, need to be willing to be more vulnerable with eachother bc a good support system is important.
My husband Matt, also the smartest man I know, reminds me that we have to avoid the appearance of evil.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
I think having strong, godly men in our lives, who will challenge us and get in our stuff, is absolutely necessary. We simply need to do a better job in helping one another succeed at marriage and relationships. We are our brothers' keepers. CMB! CMB! Had a New Jack City flashback. Pride kills us as men and we have to have stronger boundaries. DC, you rock, girl. Thanks for adding to the convo. Grace and peace.
June 25th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
This is a slippery slope.
Lots of people (especially men) think that there is no way that you can fall in this situation.
We fool ourselves into thinking "I got this".
Also, isolation is a big one. We can hide our dirt easier when no one is around to question us.
INSANITY.
A "jump off" will get you "jumped on"!
June 25th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
I really believe that if more women were committed to loving their husbands, praising them, respecting them, honoring them and building them up, this would not be the problem that it is in marriages and relationships today. Women today have really lost sight of this simple, biblical teaching. Sex, respect and admiration are needs for men in the same way that food. I believe if we, as women, keep their "tanks full" they will have no reason or even desire to look elsewhere. Very much in the same way that when your stomach is stuffed dessert doesn't look so good. Much responsibility lies with us and we can look at it as a burden or a honor.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
You're right! Cheating begins way before the physical act itself. Jesus said adultery or cheating begins with lust in the heart. To your first point, men who are not comfortable in their own skin and truly know and believe that they are accepted by God, will look for validation in other places and from other things, especially outside the marriage or the relationship. My validation must come from what Jesus thinks of me, not from superficial means. I am created in the image of God and recreated in the image of Jesus, if I trust him as Savior. So, I must live like I am loved and accepted by him. I don't have anything to prove nor do I have to attempt to impress anyone. We're still learning how to do this. Thanks for joining the convo. You added value to it. I will have more to say tomorrow. Grace and peace.
June 26th, 2009 at 3:17 am
Throughout the day, this blog has stuck with me. I know so many ppl, friends and family, that are suffering as a result of "jumping off". What's disturbing the most to me is how exceptable it is in our society to have a "friend on the side". I grew up watching movies that glamorized this sort of lifestyle. Even more impressionable for me was the music… Secret Lovers, Reasons, Me and Mrs Jones, Secret Love and the list goes on and on. By the time I was 13 years old I was daydreaming about my future love affair.
June 26th, 2009 at 3:17 am
Cont'd:
Over time lyrics have become more explicit and even Jake and Josh on the Disney Channel (I have 3 boys) date several girls at once. We have desensitized ourselves and it's possible our children see this type of behavior as risky but exciting, more like an adventure rather than an abomination! I don't wanna be the one to blame the media, but we have to protect our spirit, and think on those things that are true, honest, just and pure… I sing a song with my kids, it goes like this; Be careful little eyes what you see, be careful little ears what you hear… As Christians we need to be careful what we are exposing ourselves to!!! Matt says the Devil's like the police, once you let him in, you can't tell him what rooms he can and can't go in! LOL Didn't mean to rant here, just had to say this before I went to bed.
~Blessings~
June 26th, 2009 at 3:54 am
This is crucial. I agree we have desensitized ourselves through a consistent diet of sexual images and even talk radio. However, these images are all around us. How do we guard ourselves when commercials, billboards, Primetime, and even Disney are exposing us to all kinds of risque images? Do we live in a bubble? Or, do we attempt to redeem these media for the glory of God? How far should we go? This is a convo we need to keep before us. Thanks for adding value to this conversation. Grace and peace.
June 26th, 2009 at 3:58 am
Amazing! The marketers live for impressionable young people, and by the time they've gotten their hooks in you, you're in bondage or in divorce court or battling STDs. We have to continue to teach our kids to be discerning in all they see and listen to. It's difficult because of all that is around us, but we simply have to put in the work. I know you are already handling your biz. Thanks.
June 26th, 2009 at 4:02 am
K, you have hit on something very significant. One of the most powerful gifts you can give a man is respect. He fights all day and is disrespected by many. He desires to come home and feel like it is a sanctuary and a place where he will be respected and honored. If this is given in large doses, it will be very difficult for him to have a "jump off." Thanks for adding this to the convo.
June 26th, 2009 at 4:04 am
Strong editors and a genuine community are significant if we are to prevent moral failure. We need people to check us. Your last line in hilarious – a "jump off" will get you "jumped on." Classic. Thanks for adding your voice to the convo.
June 26th, 2009 at 11:41 am
What a topic. In college I use to hear this talk all the time especially from the guys, talking about there Jump off, it was the in thing to do. College was an inferno for sin and crazy stuff. Some people feel that having a jump off is good for there marriage and or relationship, they say it keeps the relationships fresh and exciting, i guess. I just believe all of that is just all the work of the enemy, a new generation of Sodom and Gommorrah.
June 26th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
That line of thinking puts all the blame on the woman and justifies the man's actions . . ."poor me, my wife doesn't praise me enough . ." I do agree that the items you mention should be put in place by BOTH parties but if one does not, that is no excuse to go have an affair. AND I know of women who HAVE put those things in practice, but it wasn't enough . . .the man still had an affair b/c let's face it, most men, given the opportunity, will cheat. Cynical, maybe? But take a look around at the stats. Very sad, very very sad.
June 26th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
I just don't understand the whole jump off thing. Why men cheat, they don't fear GOD, selfish reasons, children, addiction to sex, they have been cheated on and just have fallen out of love with spouse. I think men struggle more with infidelity then women due to these reasons in my opinion. Its important to use Gods blueprint to marriage (Ephiesians/ Col 3:18-21)The wife and husband that understands Gods plan, willingly and confidently obeys his commands. We must must obey GOD not obey man and follow their ways. It seems so easy to blame our human nature for why we do things but GOd says that is why he gave us his commandments to live by so we don't sin. Just as most of us are parents to our children, as adults we come to GOD like children needing guidance and rules. The flesh is weak, Jesus understood this as he too was tempted just like us but he did not act out. What a great example. I feel even if someone doesn't know Christ they should still have respect for one another and their well being God at least gave us some common sense LoL. When I was single I had a couple of married men hit on me and I just turned with disgust in my stomach knowing what they were trying to do. Instead of us saying its our human nature, lets start putting on Godly nature. Wives we need to pray up our husbands and husbands we need to pray up our wives, it goes both ways. As wives we need to intercede for our husband if they want to or is going off the band wagon, also seek Godly advise to correct the issues. I maid my vow and I wont break it, God willing.
June 26th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
You make an excellent point here. Even if we fail in our duties and responsibilities and spouses, we have made a promise to fulfill our vows. The absence of respect and honor and sex does not give the man a reason to cheat. Point well taken. Thanks for the push in this conversation. Grace and peace.
June 26th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
I really like the idea of interceding on behalf of our spouses. This can be very powerful and sexy, I might add. The ephesian and colossians passages are great principles as to how couples can live together in harmony. It's not easy, but we have the Holy Spirit to help us.
June 29th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Marvin, You said:
"This is crucial. I agree we have desensitized ourselves through a consistent diet of sexual images and even talk radio. However, these images are all around us. How do we guard ourselves when commercials, billboards, Primetime, and even Disney are exposing us to all kinds of risque images? Do we live in a bubble? Or, do we attempt to redeem these media for the glory of God? How far should we go? This is a convo we need to keep before us. Thanks for adding value to this conversation. Grace and peace."
How do we guard ourselves? How far should we go? Do we try to redeem the media for God's glory? Good questions.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
We can not allow wickedness in where it will weaken our focus on Christ. We are in the battle – every. single. day. If it requires being extreme in protection of our souls (and our children's) then I think we must be extreme. Especially where our children our concerned. What we take in affects our spirit. We must be diligent.
In our house, we very rarely watch television at all. There is little on that is good enough for our kids. We watch Extreme Home Makeover with the kids on Sunday night. Unfortunately, commercials air for Desperate Housewives so we change the station during all commercial breaks. Or, we mute them and the kids don't look. It took a very short time for us and our kids to stop watching commercials altogether. Extreme? Maybe. I'm extremely concerned with the condition of my children's souls. I am extremely concerned about protecting their innocence. I'm willing to go far to guard them.
Billboards and advertisements make for good conversation. I despise the beer billboard on 131S about "better body back then" but it is there. We drive by sometimes. We talk about modesty and purity. We talk about how sad it is when we see girls on the beach half naked and how we shouldn't look at them because they don't know what they are doing. How that is private and what they are showing belongs to them and their future husbands. My boys choose to look away often. We have taught them that to look at someone who is keeping nothing private is violating – even if the person wants to look like that. I'm under no illusion that our 12 year old doesn't notice or wouldn't be tempted to look, so we have trained him carefully and we don't lead him to temptation. We don't go to the mall with the kids because Victoria's Secret and other stores are nearly pornographic. I shop alone or online.
When we see other ads we talk about what they are saying. Are they saying that that car will give you a beautiful life. We talk about real life examples, sadly, we know many. We talk about if things will really bring us joy. We talk about where our joy comes from and why would something material truly make our lives better. Sometimes it will bring us comfort or joy – but we don't let the ads tell us that. That is how we redeem what we can of the media. What we can't we just try to ignore or talk about the deception in advertising.
How could we really redeem the media? We can't. We live in a fallen world. We must make choices to let in the good and slam the door shut on the bad. Enough bad will still creep through but we must be diligent.
We keep a constant dialogue. We don't hide from the world but we intentionally choose to focus on what is good and lovely and pure and right. I believe that is what we are called to do.
July 1st, 2009 at 8:31 am
[...] By the grace and power of God, I have been faithful to my beautiful, funny and very smart wife for almost fifteen years. By his grace and power, I plan to remain faithful to her. Now, please hear me. I don’t say this with pride, overconfidence, self-sufficiency or sitting in the judgment seat; I know I can fall and fail like so many others have. But, I say it with humility and gratitude to God. I think I have some compelling reasons why I have not had and don’t plan to have a “jump off.” [...]
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:00 pm
I know several guys on the job that "jump off" and when I question them, none of their reasons are valid. Just about all of the responses that I've heard center around selfishness and a lack of communicating with their wives. A lot of their fathers were unfaithful and they are carrying on the curse. And none of them have someone that they love and respect, that will hold them accountable for their actions. I try to talk to them but I'm looked upon as the only man on earth that loves and enjoys being married.
The main thing that must be found out is what's the real reason that causes this type of behavior. You have to get to the root! If this is not done, the behavior will repeat itself and all you have is a vicious cycle that will not end. Counseling and forgiveness are huge parts of breaking this circle, and most people do not get to these steps and the unfortunate result is divorce!
So as for my part, I will continue to talk to men, especially those that are considering marriage, and give sound Godly advice. Men cannot shield themselves from the world, but we can show some self-control and do what's right. And women, please help the men out!
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Chris, you are so on point here. Most men i talk to give the same selfish excuses. Even if we don't fulfill all our roles and responsibilities, we made a commitment that we need to uphold. Our boys are great imitators, so we really have to be careful how we live before them and not pass down the curse of infidelity, selfishness, pride, and immaturity. Thanks for being one of the guys in the trenches on this issue. Staying on the wall, will help make our jobs, as pastors, easier. Chris, bless you for being an example. How can women help us from having a "jump off?"
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:15 pm
This is more of a question than anything but I was wondering how much other men influence men to cheat. From time to time Steve (my husband) comes home from work and tells me about how the men sit around and bash on their wives. Just the other day he told me about a coworker whose wife wanted a Kindle and he went and checked them out and determined "She's not worth it". Steve was stunned. He says those things turn into sessions where men complain about their wives. If this is a common occurrence among men, could this prompt men to start looking for area to be dissatisfied with? Further, could it make them feel less guilty about being unfaithful?
If you are a man, like my husband, who never speaks in a negative way about your wive – even when there are things to complain about – don't you think it sets an example? What about if you are verbal about building your wife up to others – what if the situation were turned around and men choose to glorify their wives when speaking with other guys? Wouldn't this promote happiness in the marriage – promote satisfaction. What if the next "water cooler" discussion was about what your wife does really well – what does she cook that hits the spot – what are her strengths.
I just wonder if men don't take enough time to encourage each other in a positive way.
Women have a terrible tendency of man-bashing. I have found that when a woman starts that it is not hard to stop when countered with a lot of praise for other men. Women, like men, are competitive. No one wants to look like a loser – and when everyone else appears to be winning – who wants to be the one that looks like they are losing?
Just food for thought.
December 2nd, 2009 at 2:32 pm
I would just like to point out that it is not always the man who does the jumping. Being a victim of a situation such as this. I know you said that this was only about men but i had to interject that. I do not know what goes through the mind of these men who do this kind of thing. I can speak from the mind of a victim, it is devastating.
December 2nd, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Clarence, man, i am so sorry to hear that. I can only imagine the devastation, hurt and pain. I was in no way saying that men were the only ones jumping on and jumping off. I am well aware that women do it as well. Thanks for being so vulnerable and transparent in sharing part of your story. How is the healing going? Has there been attempts at forgiveness and reconciliation? How can I pray for you?
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:06 pm
i think there's a huge difference between an honest non-monogamous relationship and a "jump-off".
on dec 9 i will be celebrating my 20th anniversary with my longest-term partner. he recently celebrated own 21st anniversary with his spouse; i celebrated my 9th with my spouse the week before.
some points:
. nobody involved is dishonest.
. nobody involved is unloving or unloved.
wrt your list:
"pure selfishness", when one has to account to not only oneself or even oneself and one other person, but the whole greater domino game of the extended network? "disrespect" — umm, these are the people i love and respect the most in the world. "god/messiah complex" — see "insanity above. "having an emotional and mental affair first" — i agree with this one; i think it's generally nicer to have relationships with people one already knows and cares for. "unrealistic expectations" — again, after twenty years, i think i'm fairly familiar with the reality of my life. "not having godly and strong editors" — arguable; i am the author of my life, and i choose my editors with care, though they probably agree with me more than with you on this front. "forgetting what's at stake" — what? "dichotomous" living between secular and sacred — i admit to preferring the construction 'is nothing profane?' but anyway, no. "no, few, or very flimsy boundaries" — if me and mine were thus afflicted, we would not have gotten this far in a society that doesn't validate our lives.
"insane" — what implies that? "isolated", when what we have is *more* people who love us and whom we love? a "worldly" value system, when much of the world (you, for instance) criticize our lives without knowing us? "practical atheism" — my family includes a variety of religions and lacks thereof, but isn't that part of our freedom as americans? "fatigue and burnout" — after twenty years, i'm not exactly worried about this one
best regards from the other side of the fence, and please consider trying to inform your opinion based on the experiences of the people actually doing the things you're opinionizing about.
and i hope your twentieth anniversary is or was as joyful as mine.