Why I Don’t Have a “Jump Off”
By the grace and power of God, I have been married and faithful to my beautiful, funny and very smart wife for fifteen years. By his grace and power, I plan to remain married and faithful to her until death separates us. Now, please hear me. I don’t say this with pride, overconfidence, self-sufficiency or sitting in the judgment seat; I know I can fall and fail like so many others have. But, I say it with humility and gratitude to God. I think I have some compelling reasons why I have not had and don’t plan to have a “jump off.”
1. I made a covenant/commitment to love and honor my wife. When I said I do before God and those 300 witnesses, I meant what I said. I promised to love, honor, cherish and to forsake all others. To have a “jump off” would dishonor Tonia, break the covenant I made, and render my vows as empty words.
2. God has allowed me, over the years, to build a good reputation and to have a modicum of positive influence. To have a “jump off” would topple and ruin, in a minute, all that God has allowed me to build over a long period of time. It’s just not worth disappointing so many people and losing my voice of influence.
3. I enjoy living and keeping all my body parts. A twitter friend of mine (David Turner) said, ‘A “jump off will get you “jumped on.”‘ Lol! So, there are some physically compelling reasons for me not to have a “jump off.”
4. I have three beautiful children, who look up to their father and think that he is some sort of hero to them. I really try to live up to their expectations, but I know I fall short often. But, in this area, I don’t want to have to sit them down, take off the cape, and try to explain to them why my actions were less than heroic, why I hurt their mother in such a deep way, and why I broke their trust. That’s a conversation I would prefer not to have with them.
5. It is just too physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially draining to keep up with lies I’m supposed to tell, two or three sets of places I’m supposed to be, gifts I’m supposed to buy, lines I’m supposed to have down, and important dates I’m supposed to remember. I’m just becoming proficient in all of this with Tonia. To try and do this for more than one, I’m just not that good, and neither do I want to be.
6. For me to have a “jump off” would sully the sacredness of marriage and break the heart of my heavenly Father. I still believe that marriage is a sacred and holy relationship designed by God, and I want mine to be a true and clear picture of Christ’s relationship to the church. As for breaking the heart of my heavenly Father, I am trying to do that less and less.
It is time for us to take the energy and creativity we put into maintaining “jump offs” and redirect and reposition it toward working on, protecting and saving our marriages.
What are some other compelling reasons to remain faithful to your spouse? What practical things would you suggest or do you have in place to guard yourself from having an affair or committing adultery?
BTW, if you see me doing something, saying something, writing something or relating to someone in a way that is deemed inappropriate, you have the freedom to check me.
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Tags: Family, Love, Relationships, Sex, Trust
July 1st, 2009 at 1:18 pm
I love your list – it is evident that you and Tonia have worked diligently to build a solid marriage. That is key – you communicate even on the tough issues. You have a friendship and a marriage. Many, many married couples are not friends. In some ways, it is easier to hurt a spouse than a friend. If your marriage is built around a deep friendship, it is harder to willingly hurt that person. Many married people, myself included, have treated our friends better than our spouses. I am so thankful for the friendship Steve and I are building – we've always been friends but not like we are now. It has made a tremendous difference in the joy in our marriage.
On a personal note, I've found myself having to willfully separate myself from other people in the past. There have been times in the past where a friend has filled a need in my life. In some instances, male friends have been more verbally complementary towards me than my husband or they have stirred something – memories or nostalgia – that have made them creep into my thoughts more than is healthy. In recognizing that, I've had to cease contact/communication with them. It was best for my spiritual health and for my marriage. In those instances, neither party was even remotely interested in an inappropriate relationship but the fact that I found myself being gratified in some way by someone other than my spouse was enough to make me realize that I had to set a firm boundary for myself. For me, it would be easy for me to be emotionally distracted by a flattering male friend so I had to make a drastic change in a relationship. I also sat down with my husband and told him about it – about how it concerned me that another person made me feel as ONLY he should. I was able to convey to him that I needed him to step up in that area because though I may have not realized I was missing it, I obviously had been. I recall him not being really excited about that conversation but I felt better after having told him what had distracted me and confirming to him that I was unwilling to let my heart be filled by another person. It was, in the end, helpful to us.
Communication and friendship are so important and again, I love your list.
July 1st, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Before my husband and I were married, we did alot of hurtful things to eachother. Maybe a result of growing up in loveless homes, having babies as teenagers, being drug addicts and alcoholics and not having a support system. We were a mess! For me, I never want to feel the heartache of having to tell the person I love that I stepped out. Nor do I want to hear the person I love confess his affair. Been there, done that. It is more painful than anything I've ever experienced. It's never worth it! Remembering where God has brought us from keeps me in check. Seeing the destructive affects that type of lifestyle had on my own parents and how it trickled down to their children, helps to keep me in check. Loving God, knowing myself, respecting my husband, and wanting to do everything I can to protect my kids keeps me in check.
And I agree with KairaB, the mind is a battlefield. I too have had to cut ppl out of my life or go out of my way to keep distance bc of "memories or nastalgia" type emotions and thoughts. Probably one of the most important tools is knowing and being honest with yourself.
July 1st, 2009 at 3:23 pm
And I like #4. My parents were never faithful to eachother, so I know first hand that "jumping off" removes the super cape! I'd rather keep my cape as well.
July 1st, 2009 at 5:06 pm
DC, thanks for sharing your story and your list. Your and Matt's story is a very powerful one. I would love for you to think about sharing it one day. Bless you as you continue to walk with Jesus. I appreciate you and your support. Grace and peace.
July 1st, 2009 at 5:14 pm
KB, thanks for this. Great insight! What you have described is an emotional affair. It happens all the time. Someone of the opposite sex fills and emotional need, and we find ourselves looking for their comments, their presence, their attention more than our spouse. The physical affair tends to always begin with an emotional void being filled by someone other than the spouse. You are very wise to recognize it and remove yourself from that situation. We must guard out hearts and minds. You are right, creating an environment of communication and honesty is very important. Thanks for your comments. Grace and peace.
July 1st, 2009 at 11:48 pm
I love your list, you make really great points. Oh how the flesh is weak, and how it disappoints, that is why we need Jesus. Its seems easy and simple not to get physically involved with someone but what about having thoughts, wouldn't that be the same thing? Thinking about an old relationship or person you've seen and having sexual desires about them. That is not pleasing to GOd. It may not go as far as just desires and some people may think that's OK but its not. It reminds me of a scripture that states, if your eye/ arm causes you to sin, pluck it out/cut it off something to that extent. I know what the Lord meant lol.
Sex isn't wrong, it is something God has given to us married people and we are suppose to enjoy it to its fullest. The bed is undefiled, why not kick it up, set the mood. Your desires/body are suppose to be for your spouse. If things begin to fizzle a bit, try praying about it.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:08 am
DO you have expectation in your marriage? I think that is important. When I got married, I had to let go some of my guy friends and my husband had to dismiss his girl friends and some guys too. We were each others priorities now, so friends cant call when ever they felt like it or ask for my husband services when ever they felt like it. That had to stop because that could be a possible opportunity for evil. We pray each other up to strengthen us up each day, we take one day at a time. I try to spice up and do different things so my hubby wont get bored or unfulfilled. It is tough but because of He who is our center, we fear, we will not want to hurt one another. I have seen my hubby look once or twice at other women and I would not say anything because it didn't really bother me. I am confident in Christ, I can't be in my hubby bc we are not perfect, but I know he loves what he got
However I have comforted him on it but he said he didn't mean to consciously, I leave it at that lol. God is good I put my trust in HIM, God is faithful and I will continue pray up my hubby and I will to for myself for I have fallen short to some things too. Let Christ shine in us always till he comes again. Lets not conform to the world views and ways, be steadfast, I pray for all who struggle in the flesh, but know God is always our strength.
Amado (Sandra)
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:22 am
One additional reason for you not to jump off, Ms. Daisy would be crushed and would tell God on you and then you would be in big trouble.
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:02 am
I hope that God will bless my mate & myself with a marriage like you & Mrs. Williams!
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:09 am
T, I will pray to that end, and believe God with you. Thanks for adding value to this conversation.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:12 am
Daise, that is a very good additional reason. I would not want to hurt you or others that have played a major role in shaping my life. Also, I would not want you telling God on me; He hears and answers your prayers. Thanks for reminding me about my actions, our actions affect other people. You have added immense value to this conversation. Grace and peace.
July 8th, 2009 at 3:12 am
Read a great passage Proverbs 5 "The Peril of Adultery"
December 3rd, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Good time for a repost!
December 8th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
"What are some other compelling reasons to remain faithful to your spouse? What practical things would you suggest or do you have in place to guard yourself from having an affair or committing adultery?"
I don't think there is anything that I can add to the first question that you have not already addressed in your first two posts. I think the spectacle of Tiger Woods (not to say that TW was ever an upstanding man or God or anything) should show us the perils of this topic.
Bottom line, it's adultery. Even Jesus said himself that even if we go from "checking someone out" to fantasizing, we're guilty of adultery. Thank God for God, because if I were a shepard, wouldn't have any sheep left for all the repenting I've had to do.
To address the second question, it's safe for me to not maintain any kind of relationship with someone of the opposite sex, period. I don't avoid contact on purpose, but certainly do not make an effort to reach out. For some, this is problematic, especially for the Evangelistic aspect of Christianity, but for me, personally, because I struggle with lust in that I can see "beauty" in almost any woman, it's best for me to not even bother. Because if you open that door, it is very difficult to close. So it's best to not even peek.
God has provided me with a wife who tolerates my quirks enough, and for those who know what it's like to have a spouse, like Marvin said, it would be totally insane to think that we could deal with the needs of [b]two[/b] women!
December 8th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Great perspective! I believe it's biblical, too. lol! I appreciate the comments and you lending your voice to this conversation. Our daily choices in this area and all others determine our destiny. We have to make a conscious decision to choose life, don't we? Let's keep the door closed, and discipline ourselves not to take a second and lingering look. Blessings on you and your family!