Finding a Soul Mate is Overrated
Last night, after dinner, my wife and I engaged in a deep conversation about our relationship. The magic of Aruba will make you do that. We talked about the last fifteen years – when we first got married, the ups and downs, the good and the not so good, the high points and the low points, the hilarious and the serious times, of our marriage. As we sat on the beach, listening to waves crashing onto shore and looking up at the moonlit night, we talked about how God had given a measure of success in our marriage (a far cry from being perfect). We have had a level of success because of:
How much work we’ve had to put into it
How many adjustments and compromises we’ve had to make,
How we’ve had to ask forgiveness and be forgiven,
How many times we’ve had to let go of our own agenda and make the other the priority, even when we did not want to, and
How we’ve had to wrap the towel around our waist and wash each other’s feet.
It was really a great conversation (We’ve only just begun). From our conversation, I concluded this: We don’t find our soul mates (I’m not knocking those who say they have found theirs). I know “finding our soul mate” implies such compelling compatibility that it feels like this person is the other half of your soul and God created this person just for you, to complete you. For some, it also implies that the relationship will be as close to perfect as possible. I think finding our soul mate is fantasy, one from which life and reality will wake you. I think we choose if we are going to love as Jesus loved and who we’re going to love that way. I think we choose to do the every day work of love and become what we need to become to build up and complete our spouse and significant other. It doesn’t happen automatically because we say we’ve found our soul mate. This kind of love happens through intentional:
Hard work
Effort
Commitment
Adjustments
Compromise
Sacrifice
Transparency
Honesty
Humility
Toppling personal walls we’ve erected,
Asking forgiveness and learning to forgive and not holding grudges
Learning to love what he/she loves
Making him/her the priority
After fifteen years, we are convinced that love is not an emotional noun – something you feel; love is an active verb – something you do. I believe when you do the work of love, the feelings of love will follow. You don’t find a soul mate; you become one.
Do you agree or disagree that you don’t find a soul mate but you become a soul mate through choosing to love a person the way Jesus loved? Why?
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Tags: Apologies, Forgiveness, Love, Men, Reconciliation, Relationships, Women
July 7th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I've never been a believer in the "God has one specific person picked out for you" thing but there are those I respect that DO believe that for themselves so I could be convinced that I'm wrong. One thing I do know, for those of us that are married, is that our current mate is God's plan for us.
I wonder how many people have gone into marriages thinking they've found their "soul mate" and then threw it away when they discovered things weren't as easy as they expected. And how many marriages have ended because either the husband or wife found someone else that they thought was their soul mate?
I recently listened to a sermon in which the speaker said "pornea" is not just what we call pornography today… but it's any fantasized view of a romantic relationship… meaning anything that incorrectly portrays the relationship between a man and a woman. He includes romance novels and "chick flicks" in this definition because they often paint an inaccurate picture. Just as pornography can cause a husband to have incorrect expectations of his wife, romance novels and "chick flicks" can plant the same seeds in the mind of the wife. Very thought provoking. Not exactly sure how this relates… I guess it has to do with expectations. Thinking you've married your soul mate may be setting up expectations that are likely to be challenged later in life.
Sorry to ramble… lots of random thoughts here.
July 7th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
great blog post!
July 7th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
Marvin,
Thank you for this blog. I was just speaking to a newly married friend today about this very topic. You are correct, it is a choice and one that is to be taken very seriously. This is something that those who are married and those yet to be married need to be educated about. We choose everyday. When we stand before family, friends and most importantly God we must remember that even when the choice is difficult, we still MUST CHOOSE!!! May God bless you and your chosen mate:). Enjoy the rest of your time away.
July 7th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
I love the pic of you and Tonia – great photo. Hoping your vacation continues to be all you hoped for and more.
July 7th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Good thought. There was a point when I was involved in Campus ministry that me and my friends were all in pursuit of this "one person" that was especially designed for us. My view has changed dramatically. I agree with your thoughts 150%!!! In my opinion, it is more a matter of us making a choice within the guidelines that God has set for us and then Him honoring our faithfulness and commitment to the choice that we make.
July 7th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Beautiful photo of you and your wife, I'm sure she is just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside, God bless you
July 8th, 2009 at 12:29 am
so very well said. I'm reading The Love Dare, and it's a blueprint, adapted from the Bible of course, on how to become the soul mate of someone's dreams. If you want to find your soulmate, first become one through love. After 13 years of marriage, my husband and i are rather compatible. but I am still working to evolve into the soulmate God wants me to be for Him first, my husband second. It requires all the things you mentioned (and more) in the list of intentional hard work above. bottom line, like you so stated, is love / soulmate=action, not feeling.
July 7th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Question: what does it mean love at first sight? Can a person know who they really want to marry from first encounter? I would like to know the males perspective in this one.
July 8th, 2009 at 3:17 am
lohroffc great point " Thinking you've married your soul mate may be setting up expectations that are likely to be challenged later in life. "
I never truly believed that we have soul mates out there. Yes God allows people to come into our lives, he has a design and purpose for all. I think at any given time we can be attracted to another person and that is our weakness, the flesh. Before I got married, some of the guys I dated I thought I was going to marry them lol, out of the three I dated, I married the third one. I hear no where in the Bible Soulmate so I can't make the connection. Why would God want to place someone in our lives who would distract us from HIM and his Glory. OUR God is a jealous God and we are to love HIM first. God is my first Love and my everything. Yes I would have to say I love my Lord more than I love my husband, Is that wrong?
Marvin said it well how we don't find our soul mate we become one. I had a discussion with my friend about this topic, and she felt the same way and agreed how we have to work at each relationship. Each trial we endure exposes us as individuals and we should be willing and prepared to deal with it because you chose them. When we choose to marry that person we will have to work at it. The commitment we made to God is that we will honor and Love till death do part which seals the deal.
Question: If something happen to that spouse and the other person decides to marry again does that mean that GOd made multiple soul mates for us?
SO I believe God allows people in to our lives for many reasons. As individuals, God probably sees what we may need in our life and he just may bring that person in to help us or strengthen us. God designed marriage due to the sins of lusting and fornicating. He gives us free will to marry who we want but I know God still has as design in plan. I know back in biblical days that couples were arranged and sometimes even people had to marry in the family to keep the blood line pure. How good is grace now where God gives us that choice to decide who we can love.
The hard work is not giving up, the vows we take is "through think and thin, richer or for poorer" What God has brought together don't let man take apart. If it was that easy for God to deliver us a soul mate he wouldn't have left us his INSTRUCTIONS how to love each other, especially in a marriage.
Lets continue to pray our spouses up so GOd can reveal his true works within us.
July 8th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
I believe in soulmates. I knew when I met my beloved Mike that he was the other half of my heart. I also believe that we must work everyday to make sure we stay soulmates. All those things you listed and more. Soulmates were never meant to stand still but grow in God's word and plan,just richer toghether. I also believe I have soulmates that are sisters, both in the flesh and in the spirit. Soulmates that are friends who understand a part of me that know one else gets.I believe God made our soul deep and wide. I do believe work on our souls and soulmates is some thimes the hardest but always the riches work we do. It is kingdom work.After 29 years toghether my soulmate still challenges me,teaches me, learns from me, grows, and our love honors God.I also believe that talking on any beach is soul talk. Enjoy. kim
July 9th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
i agree on the definition of "soul mate" as someone who completes you, but i *disagree* that that means it's perfect.
no relationship is perfect.
having been in a long, open relationship in which my partner and i saw other people while still living together and considering each other our respective "primary" partners, i realized that, after coming out of that relationship, the whole thing was a search for something that was missing. something that i didn't realize i was missing until i found it.
i think that every relationship is an active, learning process, and that no relationship is ever complete. i believed that the whole "perfect mate" concept in movies and tv was a fantasy and, as such, i settled on a relationship that was less-than-perfect for both of us, in which we made concessions to get pieces of things from different people to fit specific holes or needs we had. it wasn't until i stumbled upon someone with whom i didn't need to make concessions, or censor myself, who loved me and respected me for who and what i was, that i realized what i was looking for.
i tell the story often of how we met, or rather got together, because i think it is a fun and amusing story…we went to college together, and each year, the learning community we were living in held a party before winter break called the Kissmas party. probably i don't need to go into gory details, you can make your own assumptions based on the name. the notable part is that participants were required to wear tags that expressed whether or not they were participating in the unique festivities of the party — green means go, yellow means "ask first," red means "no way." i noticed this girl that i had wanted to get to know better for a long time but who had been in a long-standing relationship. she was wearing a yellow tag, so i asked if i could kiss her. she said yes. we kissed. and i swear that if we were in a movie, there would be stars shooting in the sky and fireworks, worlds shook, towers toppled, because in the instant that our lips touched i knew that this was the thing i had been looking for my whole life.
we've been together ever since, and married for 7 years. i won't say it's been easy, but it's been right.
August 9th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
It is just my belief that God is not in the dating game, the only couple he put together was Adam and Eve and you see what happened. Well after all of that we come into this world with free will the ability to have a spouse that suite you. Now once you find that spouse it is up to you and that person to become the thing God has said for you to be, because again it is all about free will, but if you want it to work and be the best you have to implement some of the basics. Hard work
Effort
Commitment
Adjustments
Compromise
Sacrifice
Transparency
Honesty
Humility
Toppling personal walls we’ve erected,
Asking forgiveness and learning to forgive and not holding grudges
Learning to love what he/she loves
Making him/her the priority
And it is at that time you can begin to classify one another as soul mates because God is able to be involved in your marriage.
August 11th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Going, going, going, gone. You hit the ball out the park on your reply. You are so on point. Thanks for joining the conversation and adding value to it. Grace and peace.
September 15th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Wow! This is a great post. When my husband and I met 19 years ago, I would not say we were soul mates but we have definitely spent time getting to know the needs of each other.
I too believe we have a choice and must work to keep the marriage together
December 28th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
blah, blah, blah…..Marriage is for people who choose to live the first few years in the happy honeymoon stage, then struggle to raise kids that sap their energy, then live their old age resenting each other. I don't understand why people spend thousands of dollars paying for a ceremony that ritualises this. The masochists!!!
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:26 pm
i overheard a woman say to another the other day, "having a soul mate isn't all it's cracked up to be." i've been thinking about this a lot lately. i love this quote in you post: "you don't find a soul mate; you become one."
May 22nd, 2010 at 12:56 pm
Wow!Wow!Wow! I praise God for stumbling on this website. I read a daily reading I get through email and Pastor Marvin, it was something you wrote. After reading it I clicked on your website and all I can say is "my,my,my thank you Lord for blessing me with this site. Reading the posting about soul mate brought up somethings within me. I met my ex-husband at church while the two of us were in the Army. I was so sure God had blessed me and my four children with him. We got married on September 21, 1991 and and on July 7, 2003 he left. Both of us had been married before and he didn't have children and was an only child so I had my tubes untied after much thinking and much praying and was blessed with another prince and a beautiful princess. I was so sure that he was the one and that we would be married until death. I still sometimes ask myself if he really was the one or did the two of us get off track and allowed the enemy to bring division. What you said about marriage and working on it you hit the nail on the head. More pastors need to teach and share what you're sharing and teaching. Thank God for you being obedient and writing what God gives you to write and not what man wants you to write. Keep on keeping on bringing the word for correction and reproof.
May God continually bless you and your queen.