Setting the Atmosphere for Good Sex
Thanks for all the feedback and comments from the last several posts on Good Sex. Your feedback has been insightful and added value to the conversation.
Good Sex is maximized when I give myself fully to my spouse. Good Sex is not a solo performance. It is an act of communion, cooperation, sacrifice and selflessness. These acts require constant adjustments.
Two different people + personality differences + different needs = adjustments.
Men and women are different and differences require adjustments. When it comes to Good Sex, men and women are not equal. Women are vastly superior to men at being women, and men are vastly superior to women at being men. Therefore, we must relinquish our rights to understand and meet the needs of our spouse.
When you got married, you gave your spouse the rights to your body (1 Corinthians 7:1-7). Marriage is about you giving yourself fully to your spouse and your spouse giving himself/herself fully to you. This passage is clear that we are to use our bodies to meet the sexual needs of our spouses. This is quite different from what our culture teaches: What can I get and how soon can I get it? When I give myself fully to my spouse sexually, I ask: "What can I give and how can I meet my spouses sexual needs. The marriage covenant says: "I will meet my partner's needs before I meet my own needs, and I will not deprive my spouse of his/her sexual needs." If a person uses sex to punish his/her spouse, he/she is not living up to the biblical principle of what it means to give himself/herself to his/her spouse, and he/she opens the door for Satan to destroy the relationship through powerful temptations. It is important to fulfill your spouse's sexual needs so that she/he will not look outside the marriage to have his/her sexual needs fulfilled by someone else.
Good Sex is not about doing what comes naturally to you. We want to do what feels good to us, and even what we think our spouse wants or needs. I am wrong 90% of the time. My wife and I are different. Men, we must be willing to be coached. We must be willing to learn, and even let our spouses teach us what she needs. It is a skill and an art (1 Peter 3:7). As much as I thought I knew, I had to learn what my wife needed. Just a note – the same spot does not always work. When you think you have one spot figured out, it will change. Can I get a witness? It is not automatic. The same is true for women. Find out what is best for both of you. Nothing dowses the passion and ruins the atmosphere of Good Sex more than attempting to make your spouse do something that he or she is not comfortable with and that you both have not agreed upon.
Therefore, we must take our time and explore and set the atmosphere for our sexual relationship.
Men, we are famous for underestimating the importance of atmosphere. We can be ready to go any time and anywhere. However, for women, atmosphere means everything. Women make a checklist of environmental concerns:
The blinds/curtains are closed tight enough.
The door is not closed all the way.
The light is too bright.
It's too hot.
It's too cold.
Warm your hands up. You better not put your cold hands on me.
Your breath is kicking. Can you go brush and gargle?
I hear the kids.
Solomon, probably one of the best lovers in the world give us some great suggestions on how to set the mood for Good Sex:
Fragrances and perfumes - Please, fellas, no Brute (Song of Solomon 1:12)
Genuine compliments (Song of Solomon 1:15-16)
Privacy/aloneness (Song of Solomon 2:5)
Affectionate touch (cuddling, holding hands – touches that tell her that you love her and desire her – Song of Solomon 2:6))
Attractive attire – get rid of the flannel granny pajamas and purchase something sexy – Song of Solomon 4:9, 11)
Intimate talk (Song of Solomon 4:16)
Unhurried times (Song of Solomon 5:1b)
Special places (Song of Solomon 7:12)
Here are some other things that help set the atmosphere so that we can maximize Good Sex:
Pray together/serve together
Help your spouse grow spiritually
Spend more time together
Resolve conflict quickly and completely. Do not let a root of bitterness and resentment grow in your relationship. Nothing ruins the moment like unresolved conflict.
Giving ourselves wholly means total commitment, sexually, to our spouses.
I hope these posts have been insightful to you. I don't pretend to be a Good Sex expert, but I have learned a lot in fourteen years and am still learning. What can you add to the conversation?
Popularity: 9% [?]
Tags: Sex