Singles Are Not Unfinished Business – Part 2
In my last post I gave you three categories of singleness – some are single by creation, some are single by circumstances and some are single by choice. The one point I wanted to come across loud and clear was that singles are not incomplete or unfinished business, but many have carved out well-adjusted lives for themselves. Based on the hits and comments, I am convinced that the church needs to do more work in helping singles feel more a part of Jesus’ body. As the church does its job, singles, you can do some things to help maximize your singleness as well. The first thing is to:
ACCEPT YOUR CIRCUMSTANCE
Don’t live in denial.
Refuse to allow the weeds of resentment and the root of bitterness to grow in your heart.
Refuse to let the world define your life for you. The world says that if you are still single by a certain age, then something is wrong with you. The world is not the boss of you.
The Bible says that it is legitimate to be married and it is legitimate to be single. There are benefits and responsibilities to being married and being single. The secret to these benefits and responsibilities is contentment. We are not naturally content. Therefore, married and singles alike have to learn the art and secret of contentment (Philippians 4:11, 13)
What does it mean to be content? Glad you asked. It does not mean pretending to be happy when you are not. It does not mean that I say I like everything the way it is, when I don’t really like the way things are. It is not wanting everything to remain the same. If I am single, what does it mean for me to be content?
It means that you are not waiting on your circumstances to change in order to have joy and be fulfilled. It means that, although being in a committed relationship that’s moving toward something more serious would be nice, you are not waiting to exhale or waiting for a man or a woman to blow some magical relational dust in your eyes to make you happy. It means you will not let a man or a woman define you as a human being and make you happy. Sadly, I have seen so many single men and women lose themselves – their personalities, their humor, their lust for life and knowledge, their love for God and his people – because they were so desperate to be loved and feared being rejected by another person. This desperation and fear caused them to relinquish themselves and they lost their true voice and simply became an echo and an imitation. Don’t you just want to shake them and say to the alien version: “What have you done to our friend, brother or sister. Give them back to us.”
Contentment, joy and fulfillment are choices. You are as joyful and fulfilled as you choose to be as a single person. Your joy and fulfillment as a single person are based on you staying connected to the True Vine (John 15:1-10) and choosing the right attitude (James 1:2-5). If you are unhappy as a single, then it may be that you are not staying connected to Jesus and allowing his life to flow through you, and because you are choosing the wrong attitudes or hanging around people with toxic attitudes.
For the most part, you cannot control the circumstances that caused your singleness, but you can control how you respond to your circumstances. Someone once quipped: “Life is 10 percent of what happens to us and 90 percent of how we respond to what happens to us.”
Many single people, not all, have put their lives on hold because they are waiting for the right person or just the right circumstances. They have put their education on hold or delayed a mission trip or simply have not been fully present in the moment because of “what if” and “when I” The problem with living off “what if” and “when I” is we miss all that life has to offer us NOW! If this is you, I beg you to stop putting your life on hold and start living in the moment, now. Be fully present in your life today. Stop waiting for that life-changing event and person. Accept where God has you right now, and choose to respond with joy.
Thanks for joining the last conversation. What can you add to this conversation?
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Tags: Singleness
April 4th, 2009 at 10:59 am
I totally agree about not putting your life on hold. This can apply to any circumstance in life that we wish to be changed. I know that I’ve lived in the I’ll be happy when…zone. My moment of happiness hinged on getting out of Michigan. Other people’s hinge on having more money, losing weight, or finding a mate (like you said).
I think there is often an either/or dynamic that is set up. If you accept the circumstance and become happy in it, then the circumstance will never change. There has to be a way to find contentment while also moving toward the desired outcome. Personally, I think it makes no sense to tell singles to maximize being single if they desire marriage. Many have been maximizing being alone (not lonely) for a long time and don’t need additional help doing it. There’s a misconception that if someone is being purposeful about getting married that means they’re not content being single. Contentment doesn’t have to breed complacency. I will admit that I’m VERY happy with my life as it is (great friends, great church, great job, awesome social life), but I want more. I want to go back to school for my Master’s degree. I want to live abroad. I want to serve more. And I want to be married (sooner rather than later).
I think the church has taken itself out of the relational aspect of single people’s lives and simply look to us to be servants. In fact I’ll say that instead of teaching singles how to be single, the church should be helping guide singles (who want it) toward meaningful relationships with quality people. Abraham did it for Isaac and Naomi did it for Ruth. It is not desperate or trying to take the matter out of God’s hand to be intentional and proactive when it comes to relationships. We are expected to be in EVERY OTHER aspect of our lives. Why should this one be any different?
April 4th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Thank you for your words of encouragement. God must have led me here b/c lately I am overwhelmed w/ the fact that at my age (41) I am divorced (that’s a whole other set of issues b/c of infedelity by my ex) not married & have no children. The root of bitterness has taken hold & the more I try to fight it the harder it grips . . so I’m glad I read your post . .I do need to learn to rely on Jesus fully & let him lead me where I am supposed to be & allow him to give me joy despite my circumstances.
April 4th, 2009 at 11:18 am
LA, great insight! You are on point – accepting your circumstances does not mean you become happy in those circumstances and become complacent in those circumstances. Again, you are on point – keep moving to your destination and purpose. Until a single person gets engaged and are ready for marriage, they must first learn the meaning of contentment with who they are. A person should be whole before they attempt to give their whole selves to another person.
You are right again as it relates to the church’s abdication of its relational responsibilities. We are going to do a series in May and we are going to bring singles and married together. I am so looking forward to this. Hopefully we can bridge the relational divide and make some new commitments to you (singles) and put ourselves back into the relational equation.
Man, I am so grateful for your voice. Don’t ever become just an echo.
April 4th, 2009 at 11:23 am
NoJoy, I am thankful to God you found this site as well. My heart goes out to you and I am glad to hear that you have been doing some self-examination. Socrates said that the unexamined life is a life not worth living. I can only imagine the pain you have gone through and are going through. Don’t take this as trite, but genuine forgiveness uproots the root of bitterness and resentment. God has great plans for your life and day by day let him define your life not people and circumstances. I will be praying for you, that Jesus’ life and love will flow through you. Blessings.
August 10th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I have been single only a month and a half after a six year relationship. I became single through a choice I made. It was a hasty but a much needed move in my life. I that relationship lost my voice, identity, communication with God and my focus. I always seemed to be uncertained about the future and always emotionally on edge. I talked to God from time to time and I went to church but it felt like my cries were never heard. I wanted to just fade out of life all together. After making the move I am now not as happy as I thought I would be I have trust in my Father to work on me as much as possible to move in this transition with as much zeal and vigger as possible. I do not expect this to be easy by no means, I just give it all over to Him and let Him work a great thing in me.
August 11th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Regina, thanks for sharing your heart. Let me reassure you, your cries are heard by our heavenly Father. He cares about what happens to you. Remain faithful to him, especially during times of uncertainty and doubt. Those are the times he closest. He rewards faithfulness. God is not through with you and he never wastes a hurt. He has every one of your tears in his bottle (Psalm 56:7-8). Grace and peace.