I have been married for 14 years, and whereas I don’t profess to fully know all the things that a woman wants from her husband or significant other, I have learned a few important lessons. Now, before you think I am this really sensitive and wise guy, who is fully in tuned with all of his wife’s needs all the time, I must say that many of the needs on this list is what my wife said she wanted and needed from me, and the others, I simply observed by studying my wife and listening to other women. This list is, by no means, exhaustive. Feel free to add to it.

1. Women want and need their men to lead them spiritually. There is nothing more sexy and attractive to our wife and significant other than her man going before God and getting directions from Him for his family. My wife loves it when I am listening to God for direction for our family. Reading the Bible and praying with and for your wife or significant other really does deepen your relationship. We normally pray together before Tonia leaves for work.

2. Women want and desire their men to make them feel special and to reassure them that they are still beautiful. After 2 or 3 children, gaining weight and finding it difficult to shed the pounds, some of our women don’t feel as beautiful as they once did. It is our job to reassure them with words, affection, gifts and spending quality time with them.

3. Women want and need their men to reassure them that they are loved unconditionally. Our love is not based on beauty, intelligence, or money. Our women need to know that our love for them will not change, even if their waistline does. The same passion we had in pursuing them, is the same passion we should exhibit in continuing to pursue them. One of the ways we show them our love is when we sacrifice our lives for them through intentionally rearranging our schedules for them. Jesus is the greatest example of this kind of sacrifice when he gave up his life for the church.

4. Women want and need their men to talk to them about “that issue” that concerns them until they are satisfied. News flash, brothers, an issue is never done until your wife or significant other says it’s done. Expect to talk about it until she feels satisfied that she has fully talked about it and that you were fully engaged in the conversation. Don’t agree with and patronize her just to end the conversation or argument! This is the kiss of death.

5. Women want and need their men to validate their feelings by listening and not always talking. I am learning that when Tonia brings me her problems and issues, before I start talking and giving answers, she simply wants me to validate her feelings, her anger, and her frustrations, by attentively listening to her. Because I am used to providing answers to people for their problems, I am always tempted to fix her problems without fully listening to the issues. Also, they want us to let them feel what they are feeling without telling them they shouldn’t feel that way. When we do this, fellas, we are actually dismissing who they are. Validate her feelings by simply listening to her and empathizing with her.

6. Women want and need their men to provide them emotional security. Women want to know that her husband or significant other is safe – safe to share her hopes, dreams, fears, anxieties. When your wife or significant other can feel safe to share these things, you are providing her with emotional security, and she will rise up and call you blessed.

7. Women want and need their men to take the initiative in the relationship – setting up the date night, finding the babysitter, being pro-active, not reactive, knowing what the needs are in the home and taking care of those needs without being asked. Doing this says that you are just as interested, if not more interested than she in your relationship. So, surprise her and take the initiative.

8. Women want and need their men to show them non-sexual affection. (is there such a thing for a man? lol). Holding hands while walking down the street or in the mall, a gentle kiss on the cheek, a 15 minute back and shoulder massage (no ulterior motives), snuggling in your favorite chair, laughing together, a hug “just because,” and a call or a text in the middle of the day to see how she’s doing, are simple ways to show non-sexual affection toward our women. Single men and women you must be careful to honor God with your bodies and all your actions in your relationships with the opposite sex.

9. Women want and need their men to be fully present. There is nothing more annoying to our women than for us attempting to multi-task while talking with them. So, let’s turn off the Blackberry, iPhone, computer and television and look directly into their eyes and give our wife or significant other our full attention.

10. Women want and need their men to volunteer to watch the kids for the day while they have some time alone. Enough said!

11. Women want and need Non-special day ROMANCE! ROMANCE! ROMANCE! Our women want to be swept off their feet with big and small surprises: a nice dinner for two (no kids) at her favorite restaurant, dancing with her in the middle of the kitchen, “just because” notes on her pillow, in her purse, or in/on her car, weekly escapes to talk and laugh, yearly extravaganzas, folding clothes, washing dishes, fixing something around the house that’s broken, or coming to her job to fix a flat tire (all of which Tonia loves). Fellas, romance your wife or significant other, not just to get a lil somethin’, somethin’ in return, but just because she’s special to you and deserves it.

12. Women want and need for their men to be honest with them. Women want their men to be honest with them in big things and small things. Brothers, when we start lying about little things – i.e. paying the bill when we really didn’t – it’s easier for our wife or significant other to suspect lies in other areas of our lives – affairs, pornography, gambling, etc. With each lie we tell, brothers, we erode and destroy the bond of trust with our women.

13. Women want and need for their men to provide them with financial security. What does this mean? I don’t think it means that the brother has to have “stacks” (be rich). I think it means the man “legally” makes enough money to provide for the basic needs of the family (food, clothing, appropriate shelter) and even for her to not have to work. Also, it means leading the way in wisely and appropriately managing the family resources while he’s living (a budget – people it works) and providing for the family even after he dies (life insurance, investments, funeral arrangements, etc.). Also, it means living within your means and striving to be debt free.

Obviously, this is not an exhaustive list, but just a few lessons I have learned over the years as I have tried living with my beautiful wife according to knowledge.

Popularity: 14% [?]

It is no secret that we are going through tough economic times. One poll said that 3 out 4 Americans are either scared, stressed or angry. These tough economic times can make the holiday season even more stressful. With Christmas right around the corner, for many, this time of the season will not be jolly with holly, but will be depressing because they will be stressing. It will be filled with anxiety for many because they know that this time of the year means shopping in crowded stores, entertaining family (especially ones we don’t particularly like), spending money they don’t have, going deeper and deeper into debt, going to company parties and mingling with people they don’t know, but pretending to have a good time, spending time at “split dinners” with parents who have gotten divorced and are now remarried, or being alone. Although this time of the year can be stressful, it doesn’t have to be. So, I have prepared some “soul tips” to help you relieve some stress and make it a joy-filled holiday season for you and your family. These are not ordered according to importance. Feel free to add to this list and write me back.

1. Accept God’s grace. Our souls are stressed when we feel like we have to give gifts and show up for parties in order to be accepted by people.
2. Go to worship. Infuse your soul with joy by acknowledging God’s Son, Jesus
3. Stick to your budget. Don’t spend what you don’t have.
4. Mend broken or severely strained relationships. Forgiveness sets our souls free.
5. Start your own family holiday traditions.
6. Pay cash/limit your use of your credit card. There is nothing more stressful on your soul than carrying holiday debt into the new year. By God’s grace and a whole lot of discipline, we have committed to paying cash for our holidays.
7. Resist the urge and need to compete with others. If someone buys you a gift, don’t feel guilty because you didn’t buy them anything. You don’t have to run out and spend money that was not budgeted to purchase a gift for someone just because they bought you a gift. Accept their gift graciously.
8. Make a list. Make a list for your dinners and your gifts. A list has a way of curbing our appetite to spend more than we have and it gives us a sense of accomplishment.
9. Be generous. If you want to energize your soul and the soul of others, give and give generously to others.
10. Avoid overeating . Don’t go to holiday dinners and parties hungry.
11. Do some creative gift giving . White elephant parties are inexpensive and lots of fun.
12. Make a gift for your loved ones.
13. Spend quality time with your family.
14. Watch your favorite movie together. Night at the Museum is one of our favorites.
15. Invite friends over for breakfast/brunch and games.
16. Teach your kids generosity by encouraging them buy a gift for someone in need.
17. Buy Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner for someone in need.
18. Agree on a gift limit for each other and play according to the rules.
19. If you must drink, limit your consumption of the “holiday cheer.” If per chance you have too much of the cheer, be sure to have a designated driver to drive you home.
20. Write a love letter to each one of your family members.
21. Start early. Don’t stress yourself out with last minute and thoughtless shopping.
22. Give your spouse or your significant other your wish list. Don’t torture him/her by making him/her guess what you want.
23. Avoid the “same as cash” advertisements. The stores are anticipating you will not pay your balance off in the stipulated time and they will enjoy charging you the accrued interest.
24. Give the gift of paying on or paying off the consumer debt of a family member or friend.
25. Make a gratitude list. Focus on all the things for which you are grateful – home, family, friendships, health, job, church family, etc.
26. Exercise. It has been clinically proven that regular exercise reduces stress in our lives. So, walk, run, spin, lift, or ride.

Popularity: 15% [?]

If you look closely at a grave maker in a cemetery, you will see a couple of important things. You will see the person’s name, a favorite verse, and maybe a picture of some sort. However, those things are not the most important parts of the grave marker. The most important parts of a grave marker are not words and pictures, but a line, dash, a hyphen. That little line between your birth and death is the most important emblem on the marker. The date of your birth is significant, but it is not the most important because you really had no control over that. The date of your death is significant, but not the most important because you really don’t control that either (unless it is self-murder). The only part of the marker we have control over is that two inch dash between them. You see, embedded in that two inch dash is all of our life – our hopes, our dreams, our decisions (wise and foolish), how we used our time and how we spent our money, what we spent our life on or what we spent our lives chasing. The bible talks about us living three score and ten (that’s seventy years) and if God is gracious, we might see eighty years. I did the math. If we live 70 years, that translates to 25,550 days. Here is the equation: 70 – your age = x. Now multiply the sum by 365, and you will get the number of days left in your dash. Now this is a broad stroke generality. I know this is not something you wanted to think about on a Monday morning, but I am writing this post to encourage you to spend your dash wisely. Our days are too important to spend them on frivolous trivia (although I know this is par for the course), pettiness, and scarcity thinking. Because our time is precious, we must value it and spent it on precious things – spending quality time with our heavenly Father and the people we love, hugging spouses and our kids just a little tighter each day (i know we want to hug them tighter to kill them most times for their foolish choices and ungrateful attitudes), experiencing the wonders of God’s good creation, making love to our spouses for seven straight days (Thanks Pastor Ed Young), using our gifs to bless as many people as we can, serving those in need, laughing a lot, enjoying good food, watching the sunset (i got to move to warmer climate), and so many other Bucket List kinds of adventures. Approach each day with your dash in mind. So when you and I get to the end of our lives, people will be able to say and see that we spent our dash well.

Popularity: 12% [?]

Over the last several weeks I have been dying – dying to me, you see. Several weeks ago my wife left her cushy part time job at the community college to work full-time again at one of the local high schools. I was really excited at first because the extra money would allow us to implement “operation pay off the house in two years.” I was excited until she had to leave home early, stay at the school late, and burn the midnight oil to put grades in (I knew there was a catch when they said “you won’t have any extra duties.”). What does her new, stressful schedule mean for me? It means death to me. You see, I liked my cushy, part-time father job, but now I have to: make sure my kids have done their homework (right), get up earlier to feed them (eating breakfast is so over rated), make sure they have washed their faces, brushed their teeth, packed their bags, fix their lunches, drive them to school (I am praying for snow days this year), flex my schedule and cut my day short to pick them up from school, go up to the school if they get sick or forget a lunch or homework (it has all happened in the last four weeks), drop off and pick up my oldest son Tuesday and Thursday from a really cool after school science program, of which he has been part for the last three years, and make sure they have dinner in the evenings. Whew! Over the last several weeks I have been dying – dying to me, you see. I really like my personal time, but these last several weeks have taught me that dying to self means that my time must be more theirs and less mine. Dying to self is painful and many times it feels torturous. However, I am gaining new insight; dying a little means I will live, really live a lot. The living a lot part? Well, my wife is less stressed and more focused, She has spoken my love language more often (words of affirmation), the love-making has been “off the chain,” operation pay off the house is in full-effect and we are experiencing a oneness of which the Bible speaks. So, I am asking God, these days, to help me learn to die a little each day, ratify my wedding vows more and more with true sacrifice, and to thank and celebrate my wife every chance I get for having done what I am doing now, for so many years without complaining (that much). I am dying to live.

Popularity: 14% [?]