By the grace and power of God, I have been married and faithful to my beautiful, funny and very smart wife for fifteen years. By his grace and power, I plan to remain married and faithful to her until death separates us. Now, please hear me. I don’t say this with pride, overconfidence, self-sufficiency or sitting in the judgment seat; I know I can fall and fail like so many others have. But, I say it with humility and gratitude to God. I think I have some compelling reasons why I have not had and don’t plan to have a “jump off.”

1. I made a covenant/commitment to love and honor my wife. When I said I do before God and those 300 witnesses, I meant what I said. I promised to love, honor, cherish and to forsake all others. To have a “jump off” would dishonor Tonia, break the covenant I made, and render my vows as empty words.

2. God has allowed me, over the years, to build a good reputation and to have a modicum of positive influence. To have a “jump off” would topple and ruin, in a minute, all that God has allowed me to build over a long period of time. It’s just not worth disappointing so many people and losing my voice of influence.

3. I enjoy living and keeping all my body parts. A twitter friend of mine (David Turner) said, ‘A “jump off will get you “jumped on.”‘ Lol! So, there are some physically compelling reasons for me not to have a “jump off.”

4. I have three beautiful children, who look up to their father and think that he is some sort of hero to them. I really try to live up to their expectations, but I know I fall short often. But, in this area, I don’t want to have to sit them down, take off the cape, and try to explain to them why my actions were less than heroic, why I hurt their mother in such a deep way, and why I broke their trust. That’s a conversation I would prefer not to have with them.

5. It is just too physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially draining to keep up with lies I’m supposed to tell, two or three sets of places I’m supposed to be, gifts I’m supposed to buy, lines I’m supposed to have down, and important dates I’m supposed to remember. I’m just becoming proficient in all of this with Tonia. To try and do this for more than one, I’m just not that good, and neither do I want to be.

6. For me to have a “jump off” would sully the sacredness of marriage and break the heart of my heavenly Father. I still believe that marriage is a sacred and holy relationship designed by God, and I want mine to be a true and clear picture of Christ’s relationship to the church. As for breaking the heart of my heavenly Father, I am trying to do that less and less.

It is time for us to take the energy and creativity we put into maintaining “jump offs” and redirect and reposition it toward working on, protecting and saving our marriages.

What are some other compelling reasons to remain faithful to your spouse? What practical things would you suggest or do you have in place to guard yourself from having an affair or committing adultery?

BTW, if you see me doing something, saying something, writing something or relating to someone in a way that is deemed inappropriate, you have the freedom to check me.

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Thanks for all the feedback and comments from the last several posts on Good Sex. Your feedback has been insightful and added value to the conversation.

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Have you ever flirted with your spouse in the morning before work – with a nibble on the ear, pat on the butt, or a long passionate kiss or hug? And, you achieved the oneness spiritually and emotionally that we talked about in the earlier posts, and you thought to yourself, “Yeah, baby! It’s on like popcorn, tonight.” You go through the day, thinking about your time together. But, after a long day of meetings, cooking, picking up kids, refereeing fights between kids or managers, cleaning poop and throw up (if you have little ones), computer crashing, washing clothes, maneuvering through bumper to bumper traffic, and putting out other fires or killing cockroaches (tony morgan’s insightful book on leadership), the morning foreplay is a distant memory. You don’t want to be touched and all you want is to relax and go to bed. You are so tired and all you can muster up is: “Can I take care you tomorrow, Sweetheart?” or “Let me get just 30 minutes of sleep and I’ll be ready for you.” or “Baby, I am so tired, that I just don’t feel like it tonight.” Can I get a witness in the house? 

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As I mentioned on yesterday, Good Sex begins with God’s view of sex. The physical act of sex should proclaim spiritual and emotional oneness, and spiritual and emotional oneness heightens physical pleasure and fulfillment in sex.

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The other day I googled the word "sex" and found that there were 794,000,000 hits. Can you imagine that? I bet you can. Needless to say, sex is a very popular and powerful topic. Not only is sex a popular and powerful topic, but it can be the source of problems in marriage as well. Many couples have indicated their love life is in trouble. Some couples say their sexual intimacy is non-existent in their marriage, not even a hug. It is a sad reality, but it is not a hopeless reality. I will draw principles from Genesis 1:28; 2:18; 2:23-25 and 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 to give us perspective on Good Sex. These next few posts will be dedicated to married couples (Singles will definitely be able to learn from these posts as well), helping us think through how to have Good Sex. Because the God we serve invented sex, those of us who follow him should be having the best sex, right? Well, I think so. Well, why did God create sex anyway? 

God created sex for us to proclaim a spiritual truth. Sex is not just about skin to skin, hittin' it, or getting your swerve on. It is a physical expression of a spiritual truth. This truth is spiritual and emotional oneness. Sex is as much a spiritual and emotional mystery as it is a physical act. 

Sex is a very spiritual and emotional act. When God created man and woman, he created them to be spiritual and emotional beings. They were designed to connect with God. They were designed to connect with one another. They were created to be in tune with one another's needs for love, intimacy, closeness and companionship. The spiritual and emotional closeness and oneness are naturally expressed through the physical act of sex. 

When a couple is sexually intimate with one another, God designed it so that they would be actually proclaiming "we are one" on all levels – one spiritually and one emotionally. One on every level. Now, to have sex without this oneness, cheapens and devalues this wonderful gift God has given a husband and wife. 

To have sex without this spiritual and emotional oneness is really a lie. The physical intimacy gives a false impression that we're something that we're not. There have been times when my wife and I have gone through the physical act of sex without the spiritual and emotional connection. I'm not going to lie, the physical act felt good, but it also felt like a lie. It was a lie because we were not one at that moment. I am not proud of that, but it is reality. I would suspect it has been your reality as well. 

Someone might say, "Since I am not one with my partner, then I don't have to have sex with my spouse." This is the wrong conclusion. The question we should ask is "How do we become one spiritually and emotionally, so that when we do come together sexually, we will loudly proclaim the spiritual and emotional oneness that God intended from the beginning. 

God created sex to provide mutual pleasure. Sex was designed for a husband and wife to be mutually fulfilled and pleasured physically. Sex is one of the most beautiful and pleasurable gifts that God created. God gave us the gift of sex for us to enjoy it in the context of marriage. Let me say that last part again, God gave us sex to enjoy in the context of marriage. (My single men and women, wait. God is faithful).

Now when we are faithful in proclaiming the truth of spiritual and emotional oneness (praying together, sacrificing together, laughing together, crying together, encouraging one another to be our best for God, working together to build our lives in his Kingdom), there is heightened sexual pleasure and fulfillment. Listen, when my wife and I are clicking on all cylinders, spiritually and emotionally, the pleasure we experience is, Hal-le-lujah! Hal-le-lujah! Hallelujah! I think you get the point. It is what God intended for it to be. The opposite is true as well. When we are not living in oneness, there is a lack of sexual fulfillment and pleasure. I mean, we go through the motions because of marital obligations (It might feel good. Well, it does feel good), but the sex is not as pleasurable as it should be, the way God intended it to be.  

With the exception of real physical problems, a non-existent sex life or a troubled sex life within marriage, is a symptom of deeper problems of oneness. Sex can be great and extremely pleasurable, but it was never meant to be strong enough to sustain a relationship. When we engage in sexual intimacy, it should remind us of the spiritual and emotional oneness God intended for us to have from the beginning. 

God created sex to produce generational offspring. This is a $75 phrase for having babies. The first command that God ever gave human beings was to be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth. 

Good Sex begins with God's view of sex 

Sex is a beautiful gift from our heavenly Father

Sex is designed to be holy and sacred – designed to be separate from all other perverted forms of sex.

Sex is designed to be enjoyed within the marriage covenant   

Stay tuned. Much more to come.  Join the conversation. What do you think? 

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I hope you have enjoyed these last couple of posts; the responses have been overwhelmingly insightful, encouraging, funny and positive. Keep them coming. I really appreciate you taking time to read and comment. As promised, here is the second half (11-20) of What Men Want and Need in Their Women. These are not necessarily in order of importance. Round 2 – ding:

11. We want and need our women to understand that we don’t mind being told we look good; just don’t call it a “cute outfit.”

12. We want and need our women to communicate without being too critical. Men don’t mind being told they’re wrong; they just don’t want to be emasculated in the process. You can tell us when we are wrong, but preserve our dignity and manhood in the process. We want you to communicate with us honestly and lovingly. We want to see our home as a refuge, not the boxing ring at Caesar’s Palace. Ladies, tone in everything. The Bible talks a lot about how the tongue can build up or tear down.

13. We want and need our women to be faithful and committed in the relationship. Faithfulness is an absolute must. In fact, men want a woman who does not have a “roaming eye” and who can wholeheartedly commit to the relationship. Commitment is faithfulness plus the willingness to work on the relationship, even when things get really rough. See 1 Thessalonians 4:1-7

14. We want and need our women to know how men need to be treated. Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise and more acknowledgment of what they do right rather than what they’re doing wrong. We want more acknowledgment that we are great guys who are loved and appreciated. We shut down when we are taken for granted and compared to other men.

15. We want and need non-sexual affection, too (Whoa! Did I just say that?) Really, there is something fulfilling and satisfying about long walks in the park, snuggling up on the couch together watching our favorite movie, escaping to coffee houses and jazz clubs, receiving an email or call in the middle of the day, or an “I was just thinking about you gift.” We want and need private and personal time alone with our women, not just for sex.

16. We want and need our women to be emotionally stable and physically attractive. Men are attracted to women who are developing themselves and growing personally – reading, thinking, questioning, and even keeping up with current events. We want women who are not needy and clingy and helpless without us. Also, we want and need our women to look good. I am not talking about supermodel attractiveness, but I am talking about maintaining an attractive appearance – getting your hair done, keeping your nails and toes manicured, and working hard to maintain that girlish figure.

17. We want and need our women to be godly women. There is something absolutely exciting and attractive about a woman who is following Jesus in her daily life. When Tonia wakes up in the morning and she is praying and reading her Bible to get direction from God, that is a turn on to me, not in a sexual way, but in a godly, beautiful way. When I know she is praying for me and when I hear her praying for me, I feel like I can move mountains. There is something cleansing about it.

18. We want and need our women to listen and treat us with respect. The Bible is very clear about the role of the wife and the role of the husband (Ephesians 5:22-33). The role of the man is to love his wife like Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, and the wife’s role is to respect her husband. When there is a break down in these roles, the relationships gets on this crazy cycle of the man acting in unloving ways and the wife acting in disrespectful ways. The cycle will continue until someone is mature enough to apologize and forgive. 

19. We want and need our women to support us at home, work and play. There is something energizing about the support and cheers of our number one cheerleader. When Tonia tells me that that was a great sermon or article or you “kicked butt” at the karate tournament or “Baby, I’m proud of you!”, that is the wind beneath my wings that causes me to soar. A man needs to know that if no one else will support his efforts and even his wild and crazy ideas and ventures (barring those ideas don’t bankrupt the family), he needs to know that he has the support of his woman. A man needs to hear that his woman is proud of him.   

20. We want and need you to know that we truly desire to follow Jesus and lead our families. Each man grows and progresses at his own pace. Don’t nag him to be someone he’s not. Here is a tip: pray that God will surround him with strong and godly men to help him fill up some of the spiritual gaps in his life. Men tend to follow other godly men they respect and love.    

There you have it, my brothers and sisters. This is, by no means an exhaustive list, but I think it does cover the bases fairly well. Tell me what you think. Type your comments directly in Typepad. Watch out for the next post – What Kids Want and Need from Their Parents.

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 All right, I’m back. Ladies, thank you for your insightful and helpful feedback. I will be posting all your comments later this week. Now that the women have spoken, let’s hear what men want from their women. Now, I will be speaking in broad brush generalities, but I am sure that if you ask your husband, significant other or any other man about most of these (some things on this list are just for married couples only), he will tell you that I am in the house or not far from the kingdom. What I have done today is broken the list up into two parts. I will post one today and the other part of the list on tomorrow. Tell me what you think and feel free to send me more suggestions. Here we go:

1. We want and need our women to know that our sex drive is powerful, persistent and normal. We are not weird because we want sex all the time (Single brothers, God wants you to wait until you are married. Until such time, take up karate or jujitsu to get rid of all that energy. I digress). Women, sex is to us what affection is to you – our #1 need.  Satisfying sex reassures us in our manhood. Real sexual fulfillment for us is nearly impossible unless we can sexually fulfill you. Brothers, we must handle the business of emotional security, daily affection, validating her feelings in order for our wives to feel like having sex with us. I am still learning that sex begins, not in the bedroom, but when I perform small acts of sacrifice, affection, and attention. Robert Lewis says, Husbands need sex to feel close to their wives, but wives need daily closeness to feel like having sex with their husbands. Let the church say Amen!!!!! (Single men and women, honor God with your bodies and wait until marriage)

2. We want and need our women to know that we like helping to solve your problems, but a woman who solves her own problems while we watch, is an instant turn on. Ladies, we desire a self-sufficient, secure and confident woman. Men need to be wanted and needed by their wives or significant other, but we desire women who have their own identity within the relationship and are growing in that identity. We want you to be independent, with the ever increasing tools to solve your own problems.

3. We want and need our women to know that they should not expect us to enjoy shopping with you. Do I have to say anymore? 

4. We want and need our women to know that you can have sex with us any time you like. see #1 (This is for married couples only. I repeat, for married couples only)

5. We want and need our women to know that if you like or show genuine interest in baseball, football, basketball, hockey, Pool, Soccer, working out (lifting weights, running), Ping Pong, Nascar, anything remotely recreational, we just might fall in love all over again. Men desire their wives or significant other to be a recreational companion. It’s cool to workout with the boys, but a man really likes it when he can play with his wife or significant other. Keep it holy, y’all.

6. We want and need our women to know that we want a manipulation-free relationship. Men want no manipulation of any kind. We don’t want to read your minds or interpret signals. We don’t want to be forced to move faster or accept blame when things go wrong. We don’t want you to use tears, silence or even withholding sex to get your way. When men feel like they are being played, they shut down.   

7. We want and need our women to know when the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you are nice about it. If you bark at us or nag us, we will shut down.

8. Did I mention you can have sex with us any time you want? 

9. We want and need our women to know that anytime you cook for us, especially our favorite meal, we’re happy. Tonia’s dressing, cherry cheesecake, and cranberry chicken is off the chain – Fa Sho!

10. We want and need our women to know that we need to go out with just the guys once in a while. When we want to go out with just the guys, it doesn’t mean we don’t want to be with you or we’re doing something that we not supposed to; it simply means that we want to hang out with the guys. There is a camaraderie that exists between guys that I really can’t explain. It really is a guy thing.

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