Last night, after dinner, my wife and I engaged in a deep conversation about our relationship. The magic of Aruba will make you do that. We talked about the last fifteen years – when we first got married, the ups and downs, the good and the not so good, the high points and the low points, the hilarious and the serious times, of our marriage. As we sat on the beach, listening to waves crashing onto shore and looking up at the moonlit night, we talked about how God had given a measure of success in our marriage (a far cry from being perfect). We have had a level of success because of: 

How much work we’ve had to put into it

How many adjustments and compromises we’ve had to make,

How we’ve had to ask forgiveness and be forgiven,

How many times we’ve had to let go of our own agenda and make the other the priority, even when we did not want to, and

How we’ve had to wrap the towel around our waist and wash each other’s feet.

It was really a great conversation (We’ve only just begun). From our conversation, I concluded this: We don’t find our soul mates (I’m not knocking those who say they have found theirs). I know “finding our soul mate” implies such compelling compatibility that it feels like this person is the other half of your soul and God created this person just for you, to complete you. For some, it also implies that the relationship will be as close to perfect as possible. I think finding our soul mate is fantasy, one from which life and reality will wake you. I think we choose if we are going to love as Jesus loved and who we’re going to love that way. I think we choose to do the every day work of love and become what we need to become to build up and complete our spouse and significant other. It doesn’t happen automatically because we say we’ve found our soul mate. This kind of love happens through intentional:

Hard work

Effort

Commitment

Adjustments

Compromise

Sacrifice

Transparency

Honesty

Humility

Toppling personal walls we’ve erected,

Asking forgiveness and learning to forgive and not holding grudges

Learning to love what he/she loves

Making him/her the priority

After fifteen years, we are convinced that love is not an emotional noun – something you feel; love is an active verb – something you do. I believe when you do the work of love, the feelings of love will follow. You don’t find a soul mate; you become one. 

Do you agree or disagree that you don’t find a soul mate but you become a soul mate through choosing to love a person the way Jesus loved? Why? 

Popularity: 95% [?]

I hope you have enjoyed these last couple of posts; the responses have been overwhelmingly insightful, encouraging, funny and positive. Keep them coming. I really appreciate you taking time to read and comment. As promised, here is the second half (11-20) of What Men Want and Need in Their Women. These are not necessarily in order of importance. Round 2 – ding:

11. We want and need our women to understand that we don’t mind being told we look good; just don’t call it a “cute outfit.”

12. We want and need our women to communicate without being too critical. Men don’t mind being told they’re wrong; they just don’t want to be emasculated in the process. You can tell us when we are wrong, but preserve our dignity and manhood in the process. We want you to communicate with us honestly and lovingly. We want to see our home as a refuge, not the boxing ring at Caesar’s Palace. Ladies, tone in everything. The Bible talks a lot about how the tongue can build up or tear down.

13. We want and need our women to be faithful and committed in the relationship. Faithfulness is an absolute must. In fact, men want a woman who does not have a “roaming eye” and who can wholeheartedly commit to the relationship. Commitment is faithfulness plus the willingness to work on the relationship, even when things get really rough. See 1 Thessalonians 4:1-7

14. We want and need our women to know how men need to be treated. Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise and more acknowledgment of what they do right rather than what they’re doing wrong. We want more acknowledgment that we are great guys who are loved and appreciated. We shut down when we are taken for granted and compared to other men.

15. We want and need non-sexual affection, too (Whoa! Did I just say that?) Really, there is something fulfilling and satisfying about long walks in the park, snuggling up on the couch together watching our favorite movie, escaping to coffee houses and jazz clubs, receiving an email or call in the middle of the day, or an “I was just thinking about you gift.” We want and need private and personal time alone with our women, not just for sex.

16. We want and need our women to be emotionally stable and physically attractive. Men are attracted to women who are developing themselves and growing personally – reading, thinking, questioning, and even keeping up with current events. We want women who are not needy and clingy and helpless without us. Also, we want and need our women to look good. I am not talking about supermodel attractiveness, but I am talking about maintaining an attractive appearance – getting your hair done, keeping your nails and toes manicured, and working hard to maintain that girlish figure.

17. We want and need our women to be godly women. There is something absolutely exciting and attractive about a woman who is following Jesus in her daily life. When Tonia wakes up in the morning and she is praying and reading her Bible to get direction from God, that is a turn on to me, not in a sexual way, but in a godly, beautiful way. When I know she is praying for me and when I hear her praying for me, I feel like I can move mountains. There is something cleansing about it.

18. We want and need our women to listen and treat us with respect. The Bible is very clear about the role of the wife and the role of the husband (Ephesians 5:22-33). The role of the man is to love his wife like Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, and the wife’s role is to respect her husband. When there is a break down in these roles, the relationships gets on this crazy cycle of the man acting in unloving ways and the wife acting in disrespectful ways. The cycle will continue until someone is mature enough to apologize and forgive. 

19. We want and need our women to support us at home, work and play. There is something energizing about the support and cheers of our number one cheerleader. When Tonia tells me that that was a great sermon or article or you “kicked butt” at the karate tournament or “Baby, I’m proud of you!”, that is the wind beneath my wings that causes me to soar. A man needs to know that if no one else will support his efforts and even his wild and crazy ideas and ventures (barring those ideas don’t bankrupt the family), he needs to know that he has the support of his woman. A man needs to hear that his woman is proud of him.   

20. We want and need you to know that we truly desire to follow Jesus and lead our families. Each man grows and progresses at his own pace. Don’t nag him to be someone he’s not. Here is a tip: pray that God will surround him with strong and godly men to help him fill up some of the spiritual gaps in his life. Men tend to follow other godly men they respect and love.    

There you have it, my brothers and sisters. This is, by no means an exhaustive list, but I think it does cover the bases fairly well. Tell me what you think. Type your comments directly in Typepad. Watch out for the next post – What Kids Want and Need from Their Parents.

Popularity: 16% [?]

 All right, I’m back. Ladies, thank you for your insightful and helpful feedback. I will be posting all your comments later this week. Now that the women have spoken, let’s hear what men want from their women. Now, I will be speaking in broad brush generalities, but I am sure that if you ask your husband, significant other or any other man about most of these (some things on this list are just for married couples only), he will tell you that I am in the house or not far from the kingdom. What I have done today is broken the list up into two parts. I will post one today and the other part of the list on tomorrow. Tell me what you think and feel free to send me more suggestions. Here we go:

1. We want and need our women to know that our sex drive is powerful, persistent and normal. We are not weird because we want sex all the time (Single brothers, God wants you to wait until you are married. Until such time, take up karate or jujitsu to get rid of all that energy. I digress). Women, sex is to us what affection is to you – our #1 need.  Satisfying sex reassures us in our manhood. Real sexual fulfillment for us is nearly impossible unless we can sexually fulfill you. Brothers, we must handle the business of emotional security, daily affection, validating her feelings in order for our wives to feel like having sex with us. I am still learning that sex begins, not in the bedroom, but when I perform small acts of sacrifice, affection, and attention. Robert Lewis says, Husbands need sex to feel close to their wives, but wives need daily closeness to feel like having sex with their husbands. Let the church say Amen!!!!! (Single men and women, honor God with your bodies and wait until marriage)

2. We want and need our women to know that we like helping to solve your problems, but a woman who solves her own problems while we watch, is an instant turn on. Ladies, we desire a self-sufficient, secure and confident woman. Men need to be wanted and needed by their wives or significant other, but we desire women who have their own identity within the relationship and are growing in that identity. We want you to be independent, with the ever increasing tools to solve your own problems.

3. We want and need our women to know that they should not expect us to enjoy shopping with you. Do I have to say anymore? 

4. We want and need our women to know that you can have sex with us any time you like. see #1 (This is for married couples only. I repeat, for married couples only)

5. We want and need our women to know that if you like or show genuine interest in baseball, football, basketball, hockey, Pool, Soccer, working out (lifting weights, running), Ping Pong, Nascar, anything remotely recreational, we just might fall in love all over again. Men desire their wives or significant other to be a recreational companion. It’s cool to workout with the boys, but a man really likes it when he can play with his wife or significant other. Keep it holy, y’all.

6. We want and need our women to know that we want a manipulation-free relationship. Men want no manipulation of any kind. We don’t want to read your minds or interpret signals. We don’t want to be forced to move faster or accept blame when things go wrong. We don’t want you to use tears, silence or even withholding sex to get your way. When men feel like they are being played, they shut down.   

7. We want and need our women to know when the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you are nice about it. If you bark at us or nag us, we will shut down.

8. Did I mention you can have sex with us any time you want? 

9. We want and need our women to know that anytime you cook for us, especially our favorite meal, we’re happy. Tonia’s dressing, cherry cheesecake, and cranberry chicken is off the chain – Fa Sho!

10. We want and need our women to know that we need to go out with just the guys once in a while. When we want to go out with just the guys, it doesn’t mean we don’t want to be with you or we’re doing something that we not supposed to; it simply means that we want to hang out with the guys. There is a camaraderie that exists between guys that I really can’t explain. It really is a guy thing.

Popularity: 15% [?]

I have been married for 14 years, and whereas I don’t profess to fully know all the things that a woman wants from her husband or significant other, I have learned a few important lessons. Now, before you think I am this really sensitive and wise guy, who is fully in tuned with all of his wife’s needs all the time, I must say that many of the needs on this list is what my wife said she wanted and needed from me, and the others, I simply observed by studying my wife and listening to other women. This list is, by no means, exhaustive. Feel free to add to it.

1. Women want and need their men to lead them spiritually. There is nothing more sexy and attractive to our wife and significant other than her man going before God and getting directions from Him for his family. My wife loves it when I am listening to God for direction for our family. Reading the Bible and praying with and for your wife or significant other really does deepen your relationship. We normally pray together before Tonia leaves for work.

2. Women want and desire their men to make them feel special and to reassure them that they are still beautiful. After 2 or 3 children, gaining weight and finding it difficult to shed the pounds, some of our women don’t feel as beautiful as they once did. It is our job to reassure them with words, affection, gifts and spending quality time with them.

3. Women want and need their men to reassure them that they are loved unconditionally. Our love is not based on beauty, intelligence, or money. Our women need to know that our love for them will not change, even if their waistline does. The same passion we had in pursuing them, is the same passion we should exhibit in continuing to pursue them. One of the ways we show them our love is when we sacrifice our lives for them through intentionally rearranging our schedules for them. Jesus is the greatest example of this kind of sacrifice when he gave up his life for the church.

4. Women want and need their men to talk to them about “that issue” that concerns them until they are satisfied. News flash, brothers, an issue is never done until your wife or significant other says it’s done. Expect to talk about it until she feels satisfied that she has fully talked about it and that you were fully engaged in the conversation. Don’t agree with and patronize her just to end the conversation or argument! This is the kiss of death.

5. Women want and need their men to validate their feelings by listening and not always talking. I am learning that when Tonia brings me her problems and issues, before I start talking and giving answers, she simply wants me to validate her feelings, her anger, and her frustrations, by attentively listening to her. Because I am used to providing answers to people for their problems, I am always tempted to fix her problems without fully listening to the issues. Also, they want us to let them feel what they are feeling without telling them they shouldn’t feel that way. When we do this, fellas, we are actually dismissing who they are. Validate her feelings by simply listening to her and empathizing with her.

6. Women want and need their men to provide them emotional security. Women want to know that her husband or significant other is safe – safe to share her hopes, dreams, fears, anxieties. When your wife or significant other can feel safe to share these things, you are providing her with emotional security, and she will rise up and call you blessed.

7. Women want and need their men to take the initiative in the relationship – setting up the date night, finding the babysitter, being pro-active, not reactive, knowing what the needs are in the home and taking care of those needs without being asked. Doing this says that you are just as interested, if not more interested than she in your relationship. So, surprise her and take the initiative.

8. Women want and need their men to show them non-sexual affection. (is there such a thing for a man? lol). Holding hands while walking down the street or in the mall, a gentle kiss on the cheek, a 15 minute back and shoulder massage (no ulterior motives), snuggling in your favorite chair, laughing together, a hug “just because,” and a call or a text in the middle of the day to see how she’s doing, are simple ways to show non-sexual affection toward our women. Single men and women you must be careful to honor God with your bodies and all your actions in your relationships with the opposite sex.

9. Women want and need their men to be fully present. There is nothing more annoying to our women than for us attempting to multi-task while talking with them. So, let’s turn off the Blackberry, iPhone, computer and television and look directly into their eyes and give our wife or significant other our full attention.

10. Women want and need their men to volunteer to watch the kids for the day while they have some time alone. Enough said!

11. Women want and need Non-special day ROMANCE! ROMANCE! ROMANCE! Our women want to be swept off their feet with big and small surprises: a nice dinner for two (no kids) at her favorite restaurant, dancing with her in the middle of the kitchen, “just because” notes on her pillow, in her purse, or in/on her car, weekly escapes to talk and laugh, yearly extravaganzas, folding clothes, washing dishes, fixing something around the house that’s broken, or coming to her job to fix a flat tire (all of which Tonia loves). Fellas, romance your wife or significant other, not just to get a lil somethin’, somethin’ in return, but just because she’s special to you and deserves it.

12. Women want and need for their men to be honest with them. Women want their men to be honest with them in big things and small things. Brothers, when we start lying about little things – i.e. paying the bill when we really didn’t – it’s easier for our wife or significant other to suspect lies in other areas of our lives – affairs, pornography, gambling, etc. With each lie we tell, brothers, we erode and destroy the bond of trust with our women.

13. Women want and need for their men to provide them with financial security. What does this mean? I don’t think it means that the brother has to have “stacks” (be rich). I think it means the man “legally” makes enough money to provide for the basic needs of the family (food, clothing, appropriate shelter) and even for her to not have to work. Also, it means leading the way in wisely and appropriately managing the family resources while he’s living (a budget – people it works) and providing for the family even after he dies (life insurance, investments, funeral arrangements, etc.). Also, it means living within your means and striving to be debt free.

Obviously, this is not an exhaustive list, but just a few lessons I have learned over the years as I have tried living with my beautiful wife according to knowledge.

Popularity: 14% [?]